Walking through the jungles of Otohro village, I wander into the forest where Igbe feast is celebrated. It is legendary for it mystics. I am notorious for my curiosity. I find myself at a brook. Serene and reflective, I make to feel the warmth of the stream but a voice rings out which stops me momentarily.
‘Are you my saviour?’ she asks casually
‘No! Who are you?’ I venture to ask
‘Am a stranger, the villagers want to kill me. Take me with you’ she says from her leisurely-seated posture.
‘To where, I pray thee? I am a stranger, too’
‘I am a blood sucker!’ she says, teasingly.
We are in my room. I offer her a cup of tea; she turns it down. She is visibly hungry.
‘Let me make you Indomie.’
This girl speaks polished grammar, looks sophisticated but acts erratically local.
In the middle of the night, the candlelight flips off. A whimper arises in my ears.
I reach for my phone and switch on the touch-light
‘I am hungry.’ she says apologetically.
‘Go to the pot and help yourself’
‘No, can I suck a little of your blood?’
48 thoughts on “STUCK: The Other side of Valour— #FridayFictioneers”
I love this! The photo rocks too! Your word choice and conversation really drew me in.
Thanks, good to know you are the first to comment here…you made it all happen and am so loving the pampering am getting from the gang…thanks again!
Welcome to the fictioneers! Your story was full of quiet menace, and you managed to make us sympathise with the girl in spite of her final line. Well done!
Well, glad you found it so…exactly what i wanted without the authorial intrusion or judgement…thanks for reading…
Welcome to the party, pal.
Your piece speaks with your voice; so much so that I hesitate to suggest ways to shorten it. They exist, should you decide to edit further, but I would not worry about it now. The jump from jungle stream to bedroom was jarring and I have to wonder what the protagonist expected. That being said, I remain intrigued, wondering what he received and what he will eventually give in exchange.
Pleased to have you on board.
Plenty thanks for this comment. The protagonist was just indulging in the fantasy or illusion of the invisibility of a corps member…and he got a knock of the head that brought him back to reality. Thanks so much, Sir!
Welcome to the Fictioneers! This is a nice twist on the vampire lore. I don’t believe for a moment that she was teasing when she said she was a bloodsucker. Since this is from his POV, I think he just took it that way…until it was too late 😀
The link to my drabble this week is: http://quillshiv.wordpress.com/2012/02/17/reading-tree-leaves/
Thanks so much…talk about the denial we live in until reality slaps us in the face…thanks for reading!
I love it, where’s d rest?
Comming soon in my short story: Clarion Call. Watch out!
Intriguing tale. He sees what he wants to see. I guess she will show him what is.
That serves him right you think? well, we all indulge and get dislodged sometimes. thanks for your time out!
Guess that’s what you get when you invite blood suckers back to your room. I’m so glad you joined in. You have a unique perspective on things and I look forward to reading your future stories. That year of service must have been wild!
Here’s mine: bridgesareforburning.wordpress.com/
talking about corps member trying to save a world so corrupt and they get blown off by it. Thanks for you time out!
I could easily see a whole story written around this short piece. I enjoyed the cautiousness of the mc and wonder how he’s going to get out of trouble this time. And like Ron (bridgesareforburning) up there, I’m thinking you had a pretty interesting year of service!
Thanks for joining us – it’s always good to get new perspectives in our mix of stories.
Thanks for this love…glad to find voices praise my humble effort…thanks for you association! Am following you all the way!!!
One of the greatest things about the Fictioneers is that it brings an audience to your work, and if you ask for constructive criticism, there’s plenty eyes to give feedback. Glad you joined 🙂
Welcome to fictioneers. I don’t often read vampire stories but I loved the dialogue in yours. Good work. My story for the week is here: http://postcardfiction.com/2012/02/17/flash-friday-simple-pleasures/
I am more than flattered by your kind comments…many thanks! heading your way now!
Welcome, I’m new too. I loved your take on the vampire mythos, the dialogue, and how you caused us to empathise with her despite her bloodthirsty nature.
Here’s a link to mine http://teschoenborn.com/
Thanks…that’s the short analysis well given. Thanks so much for your time out…on to you, next!
I loved how you made the vampire so quiet, calm, and patient. But at the end you leave us wondering whether or not she really is patient. I stumbled over the third sentence; I think there might be a typo there (or maybe I just don’t get it). But overall, I really enjoyed this piece.
thanks for your critique, will work on it…and sparing a thought for this!
Very interesting. The multiple scenes are so fast and yet you evoke them well.
Thanks for joining up this week.
Mine’s here: http://thecolorlime.wordpress.com/2012/02/17/imaginary-friend/
really big thanks for the love. Thanks!!!
I think elmowrites voiced my thoughts “right on.” Welcome to FridayFictioneers–I look forward to more of your posts. Mine: http://vsta.pr/zMx9VT.
Thanks for stopping by….
Interesting! Please finish the story…i want more!
You should get it soon!
Interesting story. I enjoy paranormal pieces it would be neat to read the rest. I confess to feeling bad for the character. He was only trying to be helpful. 🙂
sure, he was but he got bitten in the process. thanks too!
Nice story. It feels like we’re only seeing a single scene from a much larger story, which would be nice to read fully one day!
Sure, will work on it someday. Thanks for stopping by!
Your writing is direct and honest. I like the natural sound of your characters. Nice work and welcome.
Thanks. I set out to present them so without being judgemental. Thanks for your time out!
Chilling piece.. Leaves the reader wanting for more! You took liberty with the word limit though.. Try to keep your next one to 100, it’s a very rewarding challenge!
Apologies for the length…was trying to get a hold on the rule but now I know better.
Welcome to Friday Fictioneers.
Some great imagery in your story. I wonder if you might think about finishing the story at, “‘I am a blood sucker!’ she says, teasingly.” This would have have been around the 100 word mark and would have left the reader wondering what next. Just a thought.
Thanks. will keep it short next time. thanks for visiting!
You have a really unique tone to your writing that I like and this piece seemed to somehow take my imagination off to someplace beyond the ordinary. I also enjoyed the dialogue between your two characters, both of whom I found to be instantly likeable. Welcome to #FridayFictioneers from a fellow newbie! 🙂 Take good care & have fun
(Also, is ‘Indomie’ a brand of instant noodles/ramen?)
Thanks! I am glad you had good things to say…horning my skills and hoping to find help in the house as I discover myself. Yes, Indomie is a brand of noodle we eat in Nigeria. Thanks!
I like the way you have a very specific “voice” in your writing. I chuckled as I read this piece. Great start to Fictioneers!
Thanks for stopping by!!!
I see a vampire novel in your future 😀
Well, working on something, though can’t say what it will turn out to be. Thanks.
Very nice work, man! 🙂
Lol, found the ending funny, and the reply that came to me:
“Why, are you a mosquito?”