A 1000 ways to die in the hands of a Woman—and how to avoid them as a Male

Women are Dangerous—Aristotle

Maybe, only a fool would believe Aristotle said that as well as other gibberish attributed to him on twitter.

There are a million ways to die a thousand of them comes strictly from women—remember to quote me, when using that!


Announce the death of her Lover

In my village, many men have died as a result of this idiocy than from AIDS, Malaria and Tuberculosis combined. If the man is not suicidal how can you muster up courage to go tell a Yoruba woman that her husband just died? You know women are sardonic in mourning and could get theatrical and vain. Of course, she gets the message but not until you pay for all those late nights her husband used you as an excuse to stay out late. The expression of a Yoruba woman’s shock at such news usually takes the form of random slapping and pinching (you may be lucky, if she doesn’t have metal objects around her) of the harbinger of bad news.

If you don’t want to fall a victim of pretended hysteria keep off the coast of a dead man’s wife.

Booby trap is no military stratagem

Recent studies say more men now exit the world by this route than the Iraqi’s route in Western Europe. Back in the time of Napoleon,

Booby trap of today...
Booby trap of today…

booby-trap used to be a military strategy to mislead the enemy forces into a situation. This is now a potent tool in the kitten of some women, whereby, they place their bodily part called booby (ask your GF, what that is next time you see her) in the mouth of the victim (studies suggest, many men had become unconscious at this mere action and signed away their life’s savings in one fell swoop) and pin down the fleshly part of this tool to cover the nose of the victim causing immediate death in all reported cases.

If you ever get yourself into such mess, remember just a bite can save your life!  Investigators revealed that this part is particularly sensitive to teeth bites. Be warned!!!

Careful when flirting

A quicker way to die
A quicker way to die

Just as the He-goat cannot wash clean of its smell some men cannot keep off flirting. Some women have learnt in self-defense classes how to ward off harassment from workplaces. Careful, when you’re unto a woman and she suddenly compliments your tie, her intention may be to strangle you with it and let your soul quietly into hell. There are other sensitive places on your body you shouldn’t let your guard down on at any time.

Announce your break-up with her physically

What do you think of men who ran away from home or just disappeared on their lovers? Whatever you may think you don’t want to play Ludo game with your life. Being chivalrous profits little these days. If you wanna break with a lady; go to court, use a mail or any other non-physical contact method. You could even start behaving like a jackass, less calls, no texts, more excuses but no, heroic display. I did this with my last college girl. Took her out two day after my final exams and just cut the crab out… you know what I got? She stoned me with the phone I bought for her. I got a bump on my head for several months later!

You may not get that lucky; yours may be kitchen knife, if you were foolish enough to say such crab in a kitchen anyway.

 Arguing with her, when she says it’s OK

I met a woman that the greatest mistake anyone can make is to argue with her or fight with her. That’s one of my uncles’ wives. My uncle told me, the first day he mistakenly slapped her for being silly when guests were around, she forgave him only that the fight continued when he was deep asleep by midnight. By then, turning-stick, knife and other kitchen weaponry were there to do justice. Since then, he never argued talk more of fighting with her.

I will catch you at night
I will catch you at night

Some women are like that, my uncle survived the assault on him but you may not be that lucky!


You don’t want to tell her…

You don’t want to tell a lady you like her sister, friend or even mother…you risk food poisoning

You don’t want to tell her the address of your ex- and keep hyping about the ex- culinary skills…rather go buy a space on the obituary pages.

That your office is sending you and a female colleague to a conference…you may be brought down by an allergic reaction.

That your mother doesn’t approve of her…well, poor old woman may not live long to see you wedded.

That you won $ 1,000,000 and would like to holiday in Brazil without her…armed robbers may just visit that night.

That you have a legitimate child from another woman…as in, I don’t know what to tell you on this!

That you think her mother is witch…your own mother had better belong to a coven too, or else?!

Bonus: Bloody run…—Apostle Paul said it, my grandma confirms it!

There should be no better time to run, I repeat run viciously, than when a woman is pursuing you, either for sports, fun or fiery—just, bloody run!

Run, for dear life!
Run, for dear life!

Rites of Passage [Historical Fiction]

I have heard about the journey. I have doubted its existence. I had pondered why a brother would take his own captive.

But here, it’s happening to me.

The Arochukwu priest chants cleansing incantations as we go through the last place to be called home, the corridor to the after-life as we know it.

“Is this all to the initiation rites?” a teenager asked, looking back at me.

The Passage
The Passage

I pondered where such thoughts came from…

“Yes, hope you’ve had a time of your life?”

“Times have changed; Papa told me different stories from this”

Sure. We are captives of our own clan. We tugged on to a waiting ship.


This is an account of the slave trade era. The much taunted Atlantic Slave Trade, Where African were as culpable [if not much more] as their European counterparts. The story sets in an Eastern Nigerian village, where the Arochukwu Priests (Custodians of Customs and Religion) witch-hunted ordinary men to sell as slaves.


This has been made possible by the goodwill and fervent addiction of Rochellewisofffields and her creative gang of writers who converge weekly as the Friday Fictioneers. Click on the Linky Icon to read greater stories…

Everything I’ve Got! [Contemporary Fiction]

He saunters into the oval room dumping the 20-stand-candleholder. It has been a tiring day for him.
The procession had starred at the numbers of his candles; everyone else had just one for the occasion.
In his room, resting on the sofa, he could see the candle-holder and a picture of a victim he had picked from the ground at the procession train, tears roll freely from his eyes.
His head is a flurry of thoughts. He seizes the phone on the desk…

Fire for fire
Fire for fire

“Hello Reggie, take down the following memo for the meeting next week…”
“But, Sir, these are far reaching, can we play safely on this with them…?”
“Who cares, the place is damn too risky for safety games. Either they act, or I will”

***Disclaimer: This is purely fictional and as such no attempt to vilify any political view or action. Thanks***

This has been made possible by the loving effort of Rochellewisofffields and her gang of Friday Fictioneers.
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