Eran Iya Osogbo

Credits: Randy Mazie

On a clear moonlit night Saratu was returning home. At the porch to his house two goats ran out at his approach. He made a feeble attempt to catch at one; fumbled, staggered and fell.

He swore at the palace that Eran Iya Osogbo had attacked him viciously; they were executed that night.

Iya Osogbo died forlorn without her goats.

Every night, the bleating and stampede of goats haunted his sleep, and he daily nursed his regrets by Mama Osogbo’s graveside. Until one of them showed up.

In a community where work is sparse, myth becomes a preoccupation.

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Eran  means Goat [in Yoruba language spoken by the south-western Nigeria]

Eran Iya Osogbo means the goat of a woman from Osogbo [a cultural town in Nigeria]

My Grouse with the word ‘SINGLE’

My passion for words is legendary. Go ask my girlfriend, most of our quarrels starts and ends with her choice of words. I have a deep seated aversion for improper word usage. And I have little tolerance for poor diction.

One word that I dislike the most is the word: ‘Single’ in the marriage context.

Now, don’t go thinking it has anything to do with the fact that I a jobless 29-going-to-30-years-old-mateless individual. Rather, think of my revulsion as a result of its negative effects in our community.

It is ungrammatical

The designation of an unmated person as ‘Single’ is a big grammatical blunder; funny enough, it has escaped the British throne for this long. Question, what is the opposite of Single? Is it Double, Couple or married?

Now, people will answer me, depending on their age, level of desperation and occupation (Pastors seem to operate a different corpus of grammar than the laity). Single takes the antonym Double; Couple goes with One; Married is simply Unmarried. However,some mischief makers decided to make Single the opposite of couple—for god knows why? Pastors proclaim that the two shall become one, but still refer to them as couple.

It’s Creepy

There’s something about the singlehood. It creeps in on you. Every age has a milestone and we cheerfully look forward, to attaining them. Children look forward to teenage years, as teenagers look forward to adulthood; even fools look forward to age forty to affirm their foolishness. Somewhere along the timeline comes the word ‘Single’ without a milestone! Is that not fraudulent?

Mother used to drop me off, at the children’s church until I became thirteen and the church took me to the teenagers’ class. Father proudly ushered me into the adult cathedral when I turned twenty-one, and introduced me as his son, now in the university.

The pastor asked me to wait after service on a certain Sunday after my graduation from college, I was to start attending singles’ fellowship—just like that?! ‘Who are they?!’ ‘People, just like you!’

It is conspiratorial

At this imaginary status, the society gangs up against you, even your immediate family are in the game. Their aim: to get you married. Your mother suddenly starts asking about the pact between you and a certain girl, your father drops off names of random individuals who are doing well and well mannered—as if that affects the price of shoelaces.

Your neighbours, those ones?! They become emergency matchmakers. Some funny thing is how Mama Bukola, the grocery seller down the street, loans out her daughter to help carry your purchases to the house, and other random antics of other neighbours’ children.

Mama Ngozi, the igbo food restaurant, will conveniently allow Ngozi, a new graduate like you, take your order for Garri and Ofe-onugbu and she graciously fill your portion to the brim.

It is left to you to fall into their antics—experience says a lot have fallen that way.

It’s not Representational

The height of discrimination is when an official document requests you to fill either “Single/Married”. My brain cells cry out in desperation.  The fact that I am not married doesn’t make me a “Singular being.”

As a matter of belief, every being is at least three-in-one—spirit, body and soul; of course, with the exception of those who are said to have murdered their souls. Curiously, marriage does not connote any notion of twoness. If every being is at least 3-in-1, then there are at least 6 people in a marriage. That’s why, it aims at oneness: the process of becoming one or at most two—coupling!

I am just an Individual

The truth of the matter is those people were just unlike me—in so many ways! I don’t crave the pitiable desire to mingle; I have enough confusion in my head than to worry about how some people think of me. Everyone wants to tag you with some prefixes to your name and every girl trips on her heels to get your attention.

The men are straining their necks to catch a glimpse at the ring-finger of the ladies—okay, I am hopelessly guilty here, too. For some unexplainable reasons, I spy at ladies’ ring-fingers during worship sessions in the church. A particular chorister has a trademark ‘lift up your hands as we worship the lord, this morning.’ It’s not surprising most unmated men enjoy his sessions better.

A story is told of a passenger who got into a scuffle with another passenger at a Lagos bus-stop.

The said man had wanted to join another at the front seats beside the driver, but the first passenger on board had simply alighted and asked the new man to go in, which Mr. Somebody took exceptions to. He felt, by some rights, entitled to the vacant seat and started ranting like a typical Nigerian does:

‘Do you know who I am? I will deal with you…’

‘Who are you? You’re just an individual!’

‘What, did you just call me an individual?

That’s where the crisis started!

But, in all honesty, I am just an individual. I feel comfortable in my skin.

10 ways to remain unmarried

These days I am amazed at the sheer number of marriage age ladies but who are still unmarried due to all faults of theirs.

It is high time that the Teacher of Men came to the rescue and save the day. Follow this list and land in a matrimony or unfollow and rot in an eternal singledom.

1.       NOT HAVING A TWITTER ACCOUNT

For all you care, it is believed that anyone who operates a twitter account has a level of sophistication. You’ll yourself a world of good if you get one quickly and follow me too.

I met a chic recently, and we got talking. When I told her I am a blogger. She goes “I don’t have a twister (sic) account; what are you blocking self?”

If Aphrodite were to strike me with her dagger a million times; I would rather die than fall in love with such crudity.

2.       BEING UNAWARES OF YOUR ENVIRONMENT

“How to be a Gentleman” teaches you false expectations of how his advance should be but men are by default not linear in manners; we think in curves and shapes. 

I saw a chic at Elephant Bus-stop, and wanted to break the ice with her. I asked, “Please, Where is Ikeja City Mall?” She gave a riposte, “You need new glasses!” I wondered out loud what qualifies her to reach such diagnosis when I only got the one am wearing a week earlier.

Well, she lost the opportunity to meet my charming self 🙂

So, pending when you get ringed learn about your environment and eagerly share description with any guy who cares to ask of you. He may just want to break the ice.

3.       LISTENING TO MUSIC ON TRANSIT

This habit keeps baffling me when I see beautiful unmarried ladies indulge in it. How can you be in such situation—it is a situation when you’re unmarried at 25 (if you must know, at least in Nigeria) and all you do is listen to some music or sermon while a dashing young dude sits next to you?

How in God’s name do you expect him to strike out a conversation, when your ears are plugged off? In Gods’ name you should be the one hindering the dude from plugging off his ears when the journey commences. Ask a question like “Is this bus going to stop at Allen bus-stop?” and see what magic will happen, he will rattle on until you get to your bus-stop and may even alight with you.

If you do this for 90 days, striking up conversations with random guys, you shall surely walk down the aisle in the next 90days! Do it, and thank me later.

4.       TICKING ‘IN A RELATIONSHIP’ STATUS ON FACEBOOK

In today’s reality some people change their relationship status faster than they change updates. Soon you’ll think something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong—everybody is technically doing likewise but something became wrong when you decided to announce yours online.

Don’t let the euphoria of the moment sweep you away when a Tom comes your way. Play safe and keep sane. This self-discounting effort reduces your chances of getting married.

At matrimonial age, chances are you have met, liked or commented on your future husband’s status by now; so, keep the atmosphere safe for his entry and don’t scare him away with crazy status updates and needless romances.

5.       NOT UNDERSTANDING ENOUGH GRAMMAR

When it comes to spoken English, we know ladies speak better grammar than guys. But it stops there, when it’s comprehension ladies are seriously wanting.

I was with my erstwhile girlfriend and she asked me, “What extent can you go for me?” “I will do anything for my woman” (don’t forget, man are not linear). She went berserk, “So, you will do anything for any whore out there but me?” I smiled; I hope you get the gist here?

6.       PINGING ON A DATE

It has been said, men are visual beasts, insecure, nonlinear etc. It thus beats my imagination that we go on a date with a lady and she starts pinging.

First, you whip up his insecurities. As you avoid eyes contacts he goes thinking you don’t find him attractive—that’s if he’s not a killing-handsome like yours truly! 🙂

Secondly, your hands are apparently covering the curvy balls about you and god help you, to be exposing your bald head as you bow to ping. That’s such a turn-off.

7.       NOT ATTENDING CHURCH/MOSQUE REGULARLY

It is eerie when a woman says she doesn’t go to church/mosque. It is economically not profiting because these are places you get to be in assumptive unions with all the perks of a relationship without any iota of commitment or guilt.

Pastors have made that possible. To increase your economy of scale, you need to make yourself visible at such places.

I was at a church, two Sundays ago as a guest. On the form for guests was a slot for status, I filled: unmarried and for god knows why, a single-sounding-lady has been keeping up with me with calls and sms. Now, here’s how it works, I might visit again just to see her!

For whatever reasons, testimonies abound of people getting married without having a dime—kobo as the case maybe. Though, I still wonder how they keep such marriages.

Of course, I reserve the right to make the list 10 or 7 but if you have any habit that’s sure to keep one unmarried please share with us. I need three more, shoot!!