The bundle of Joy –The devil is in the details

Children are the payback of marriages in many instances.

If marriages were businesses their break-even period is at most the first nine months—during which they spend all the money and gifts given to them at the ceremony—anything afterwards is pure shortage, especially, with the arrival of the bundle.

Children contrary to popular opinion are not such the cutie little dolls we think they are. For some they are no more like demonic agents sent to torment the souls of men, and of course women.

The Childcare Budget

In the first year alone?!!
In the first year alone?!!

To raise a child in today’s economy is so excruciating that you wonder why bother at all. A major disincentive for any conjugative relationship should be the sheer economy crush. The golden morn, pampers, clothing, medicals and laundry cost towers above the national minimum wage. Then, how many Nigerian fathers earn above the minimum wage?

A family friend, who earns #25,000 monthly, got so tight on finance to confront his six months old daughter to suppress her bowel movements. The little doll did and for three days the blood level of the mother was on the rise because no one knew what was wrong with the baby; until the father pleaded with the child to be gracious and release whatever was in her bowels. The child did, only this time, her father’s laps formed the WC.

Their cries

Why we dont't know
Why we dont’t know

We’ve all come to accept the noise of generators in our lives.

But how many have come to accept the noise of children. I haven’t. The cries of babes drive me to the cankers.

I have a friend, who has never lived with his parent since he was six-months.

His father had strolled in one day and declared Junior is old enough to have a junior, to the hearing of Junior, his mother and the mother-in-law, but Junior had other plans.

Every night when daddy creeps into bed with mother and they transferred baby-boy to the cot, Junior awakens and starts yelling. At that point nothing can pacify him until he his smothered in the reassuring bosom of his mother.

What are you people doing??
What are you people doing??

That was how that little creature sabotaged his father’s moves for several months until he was ceded to the grandmother for safe keep. Only a good father would forgive such a kill joy of a son.

My baby-sitting experience

Sometimes ago, a nursing mother left her baby in my care to run to the grocery. But for god knows why, the babe wouldn’t stop to cry. The pitch of his decibel was high enough to burst a close-by listener’s eardrum.

I tried my cutest smile to pacify the little demon; I read lines from my verse book and did a gangnam- style dance, but dude keep on yelling.

This bros don marra o!
This bros don marra o!

I resorted to my last antic, I carried it in my arms put up a very straight face stared for some long seconds and burst into a hysterical scream with a shit-face [the kind you use to behold your shit afterwards]. The baby quieted in a brief moment, hiccupped a few times and went completely rigid!

The babe never cried in my presence, again.

So, that’s how I became the silencer in my neighbourhood. Children don’t just cry in my presence.

Their Mischief

Children could be very vindictive too.

There’s a story of a child who never forgets a hurt—we all had our ways of getting even with those brutish brutes of siblings. He was born the baby of the house but the eldest child made a mistake of ‘correcting’ him with a slap one day. The dude promised to show him at night, but no one paid heed to his threats.

When night came, the dude was awake with a very fine cane and hid himself behind the door in the room they all shared.

When the first lash came on the elder brother, he let out a savage scream from his sleep.

‘Ye! Kini mo se?’  [ouch, What have I done?]

The household ran to his rescue but not before the second lash. The visible stripes left concern on the faces of their parents.

They offered prayers binding the devil and casting evil forces away. They sprinkle anointed oil on the stripes and everybody went to sleep minutes later.

And the demon ran to the bush...
And the demon ran to the bush…

But the dude wasn’t through with big brother, so he rose again and lashed out at him two more strokes.

This time, the mother became convinced the kingdom of hell has descended upon the household.

“Father, we bind all demonic oppression in this house, in Jesus name!!!”

The “Amen” thundered out more violently because no one knows who’s next.

“Let fire burn every evil hand whipping our child from his sleeps, In Jesus name!!!”

After two hours of night watch, the family agreed to sleep but victim refused. It took the presence of the parents in the room to reassure him to sleep.

About, thirty minutes later little Lucifer arose again went to the hiding place, waved his cane casually in the dark to ascertain no one is watching. He waited some few minute and sneaked out a bit and tried to land another stroke…

“If you dare it!”

He stopped dead in his track, and the light came on…

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And why do I tell you this tale? I believe you should count the cost of any venture before you enter into it. Parenting isn’t a bed of roses but knowing that kids are not always a bundle of joy gives, you heads-up on how to be prepared.

Kudos to all those who are raising children with all genuine sacrifices, shame on those populating the earth for all of your selfish reasons.

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So, What’s your parenting experience? What hilarious moments do you recall? Share with me.

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An Accident — Friday Fictioneers

Credit: Roger Bultot
Credit: Roger Bultot

Who wants a job half-done but pays fully?

Dave had promised the labourers full wage without bringing the tree down.

Dave and Made were going to have a make-up date. He pulled over outside the house, on the street.

“Kate, I better attend to this gardener before we go”

A devastating scream trailed his steps as he tripped on a rope on the ground calling out to me.

A smirk played on his face as I turned away from his porch to see him coming and his backdrop of tragedy.

“Hey, you’re here for your money?”

“No, I’d rather call the police”

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This has been made possible by the goodwill and fervent addiction of Rochellewisofffields and her creative gang of writers who converge weekly as the Friday Fictioneers. Click on her Link to read fabulous stories

Getting to know your man

Over time, I’ve seen ladies surreptitiously converged at magazine stands, in grocery stores, checking titles that give insights to the behavioural patterns of a male Homo-sapiens. Although, I have told you over times, buying such books and magazines only heightens the level of your frustrations [men are aware of your expectations, from such sources, and play along perfectly; until such a time that they impulsively show their true colours]; I have another genuine way of putting these species of human to test and bringing out the very nature of them. Here are the some simple, homemade techniques to learn more about a man’s psychological leanings.

A test for aggressiveness

Dude is a Gentleman though.
Dude is a Gentleman though.

Most ladies are worried about the level of aggression their men possess. Unfortunately, many can’t tell until they push him to the wall, but only a few has lived to tell a tale.

Here’s my simple recommendation from our everyday life.

Buy your man a loaf of bread. No, not a confectionery bread but Agege bread and watch how he unties its wrapper.

Basically, an aggressive man will tear out the nylon and get to the business of the day. But a more tolerant man will find a way to untie it and keep the nylon for future use. This is a typical subconscious behaviour that no man can manipulate. Whatever your man is, knowing this fact will help you in behaving rightly according to his mood.

If You’re Abstaining and in a Relationship

Kissing the life out of her
Kissing the life out of her

If you know what’s good for you—you should be abstaining really. But a basic point of conflict is, in knowing the sexual compatibility of the would-be partners.

This is another, a simple recommendation from ordinary things of life.

I know, when men take their ladies out, they like buying expensive and extraordinary things for her and for themselves, which they would not buy usually.

One of such things they don’t buy is the sachet water [a.k.a Pure Water]. Get your boyfriend to jog a few miles and suggest he buys pure water instead of bottled water.

Be attentive to how he handles the sachet. For some reason, men liken this product to a certain part of the female body and may violently squeeze the content depending on the fantasies they have built around you. An orange fruit can serve the same purpose too.

A Test for the fear of God

Secret Service kinda
Secret Service kinda

This is another grey area women want to know about men and it mostly, prove difficult given some men’s penchant for being dramatic. A Dude was pestering my little sister sometimes ago and I had to request him being invited to, the house for chitchat.

‘By the way, what is your denomination?’ ‘The Salvation army sir’

‘That’s great. Are u a member of the lord’s army yet?’

‘Thank you sir, I am a member of the lord’s army’

‘Wow, that’s great! What unit do you serve in; a friend is an usher in that church too?’

‘Well, I serve in the secret service sir!’

Without being told my sister knew it was a no-no for a secret servant of god.

-This may be continued or not. It has been on my draft for some days, and I feel it’s time to come out, feel free to add any tip missed out. Have a great life. ________________________________________________________________

Serious guys, this is short I know, but it will suffice to say Happy New Month.