Romantic Fiction [Friday Fictioneers]

Anniversary Post
Anniversary Post

It was my third year in the university. I was among those who welcome freshmen to the campus when i caught sight of her.

I was at the café unwinding after a long day; she sat at across me distraught, willing an IPod to come to life.

“Those little techies do make our lives a hell”

“I am living through one at the moment”

6 pm, we were at the concert; she was on the stage swaying in delight to the harmony springing from my excited knuckles.

Thence, I knew I would play more songs to the rhythm of her swaying hips.




Hello there, this in celebration of Mrs  Rochelle Wisoff-Fields who marks a year at the helms of managing the Fictioneers’ Cafe this week and every one who has been with her so far.  You should read other interesting stories here


This is dedicated to a Friend whose pleasurable company I shared on the 19.10.2013

Looking for Corruption-free Nigeria? Me Neither.

I’m tired of politicians’ pussy-footing delicately around the issue of corruption. Every time I log on to Twitter, there’s always some group of hippies protesting “against corruption” or “for democracy”. Each group pisses the other off, and no party will take a strong enough stance on the issue of governance, so I’ve decided to form a political party of my own.

I have a different stance on corruption: I’m against corruption, but for sharing of the money. That way everyone loses, and I laugh. I’m neither pro-masses, nor pro-government; I’m pro you-shutting-the-hell-up. The only way I’d be “pro-masses” is if it meant I could choose whose voices to be heard, and only then if I could place internet restriction in some states.


I was at Ikeja City Mall the other day to do some shopping when I came out; I saw headlines bleeding hate and envy about Stella Oduah. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw a newspaper begging this hard to be gagged.

Jealous, spineless men whining about a feat some woman just achieved. Really, the men should be ashamed of themselves and Nigerians soak themselves in ashes for this spiteful allegations and name calling of an innocent citizen. How much is #255 million naira by the way? Apparently, I haven’t seen such a prodigious amount of money in all my life, but does it matter if a woman spent it on Mary Kay or flying cars?

Why is it that some people are wary of other people’s successes? ASUU won’t call-off their damned strikes because they are envious of the pay pack of the legislators. Do these people have an idea the peril lawmakers face?

It is obvious we need a new party that can accommodate the threats to peaceful co-existence of all citizens and perpetuate the reign of a single class of loyal men.

Here is where I stand on other issues: Call it Party Manifestoes

  • No Protests

    As  you can see
    As you can see

Under my government, there will be no assembly, peaceful or otherwise. Why does everyone always sing the praises of civil disobedience? What good did it do for Gani Fawehinmi? He’s dead. What the hell is civil disobedience anyway? You can add the word “civil” to any crime and suddenly it has a positive connotation? What’s next, civil-rape or civil child abuse?

  • Freedom of speech

Freedom of speech is guaranteed but not of thoughts and writings. Any ecclesiastical admission of erring thoughts shall be met with Inquisition. And, twitter celebrities with more than twelve followers would be incinerated—even, Lord Jesus didn’t need more than twelve disciples to achieve his mission on earth. It would be a crime to tweet at a serving minister or to ask questions of any commercial brand on twitter. And, that boy called Tolu Ogunlesi, shall be the Chief Public Defamer for our government.

  • No More Police.

police-fightPolice officers will be replaced with Inquisition Strike Force with the ability to tap into your phone conversations, spy on your Internet connection, arrest you for no reason or any reason at all, and interrogate you behind closed doors during secret hearings. It’ll be awesome, and if anyone complains, they will be labeled unpatriotic. The beauty of it is that people won’t protest because protesters will be victims of police brutality.

  • MTN would be the Only Network

    Well, they gave away flying ballonos
    Well, they gave away flying balloons

 Nothing justifies the presence of multiple telephony networks in Nigeria. No, not even democracy or freedom of choice. We shall make MTN the only network and anybody who does not subscribe to monthly caller tunes or responds when requested, to send a dumb text to 3110 would be termed a traitor and executed by the guillotine. Meanwhile, we shall keep the business facilities of Airtel Nigeria at the museum as relics of how not to manage a business entity


  • Double Standard Law

No man shall be allowed to own a dog and marry a woman at the same time, for whatever reason. Same goes for women keeping dogs as pets and desiring marriages with men. This is basically an abuse of scarce resources and would be righted when my party emerges victorious. Physiologically speaking, what a man can do a dog/bitch can do even better, and that’s true for both sexes.

Same goes for owning a doll or a play station; god knows how many man-hours could be saved from this ban, which could be invested in building concentration camps for Ibadan girls who are trying so hard to belong to this social culture called Nigeria.

That’s pretty much it. Oh yeah, I was going to write about how I was going to take away women’s right to vote or to be a minister, but that one is pretty obvious since nobody wants women to vote or lead, except for women, and they don’t count—well, not that much!



You Have The Rights to Surrender Your Balls!

I will go straight to the point; I am not going to treat you with some kind of kid-glove.

Some recent realities have necessitated my early retreat from a long furlough. The battle of the sexes has suffered some irreparable damage—no thanks to some pacifists trying to end a war that began long before they were conceived.

When Eve gave that apple to Adam what do you think was happening? Do you think Adam’s sense of responsibility went on a break? No! It was simply blackmail!

So, here goes the story, Pa Adam did some wrong [perceived on real, depending on her heat status], she sought the company of the sapient got deceived, then blackmailed Pa Adam to eating the apple as a term for reconciliation. And don’t go preachy on me. What does a man do following a lady up and down a garden? Doesn’t your bible say, “…and she gave it to her husband who was with her”?

Well you know the end of the story. The ground was cursed because of man, and we were made to till [I mean till, in the other senses] and sweat and some damned deodorants companies rip us off.

Now, if you are a man reading this, I assume you are proving true to every hair on your moustache… because if you happen to fall into the category of men that buy sanitary pads for some whore, in whatever name you brand her…  you have the rights to surrender your balls, fried and fed to Ogborigbo. [That’s Urhobo name for Iguana]

Come to think of it, what kind of sexual perversity would make a lady fantasize about a guy buying her pads or bra or lingerie? It is like your mother knowing your condom size as a guy.

Let’s face it, some things are and should be no-go-area between the sexes.

What's The Hitch?
What’s The Hitch?

Where Romance Stops

There are a lot of things one may do with a lady albeit not in loosening her hair. Heaven knows the Derica of dandruff some ladies’ heads shed per month.

You risk inhaling them as you loosen her hair. And, you will like to count me out of the game if this has anything to do with physical attraction.

Many times, i wonder how ladies lived with themselves. I mean you get to have that hitch sometimes, how do you cope?


The MP

There is so much I want to know about a lady like her Psychotic history and HIV status but not her monthly rounds. My ex- was a lady to the core. It took me months and a breakup to know MP is anything other than malaria Parasite. It was that rare visitor my grandma scared momma with back in the days!

But you as a guy have no business in knowing this business. By the time you share her monthly cramp circle, and it is noticeable in your work, my friend you need to seek help! Like the nearest transgender facility in your neighbourhood.

But, before then you may need to burn your mustache with a candle as a sign of being ashamed of who you are.


Do you see what I mean?
Do you see what I mean?

Contrary to logical expectation I do trust ladies with many things like a safe place to keep my socks, shoelaces and cuff-links; of course, even, my expired ATM cards. 😉 I am that awesome!

However, no matter the level of relations never trust your balls to a lady with long fingernails; same for you ladies, at least not to any man with an irregular dentition.


These are no go areas and for as long as day and night rule the earth we should abide by some modicum of privacy between the sexes.

Now, let the battle continue, and if you are not man, enough…tender your balls now and forever remain a Sisi.