Dear Blogger: An Open Letter from Nigeria Witches

Dear Blogger,

It has been brought to the attention of the Witches and Wizards Association of Nigeria (WITZAN) insinuations about the economic viability of our operations. For the avoidance of doubts and to set the records straight this rejoinder is deemed necessary.

Nigerian_Witches_Predicts_March_28th_General_Elections_556284363

Mr Blogger, you need to be careful of what you venture into and how you analyze things. Your blogpost called out the existence of the witches, our motives and even doubted our productivity; that greatly undermined our membership drive and we will like to state unequivocally there’s no better time to become a member of WITZAN than now. You don’t want to know how many members of the public are daily being conveyed to-and-fro their work via our flying network of UFOs. Yes, you read well. You don’t have fuel to power your cars yet your colleagues turn up at work daily and you didn’t bother to investigate them. And, what do we ask for in return? A few stopovers at some peoples’ heads to jingle over like a motor; what better deal can you get elsewhere?

While we vehemently reject the responsibility of making matrimonial-aged men bed wet we have core areas of interest that intertwines with everyone’s daily lives—and, that’s a blanket cover regardless of your fate or faith.

Let’s itemize active productive and economic viability of our operations:

Lagos Traffic:

If nothing else justifies our activities, the daily Lagos traffic does! For the information of the uninitiated, whenever you drive through the grind of Lagos traffic only to find there was no cause when you get to the front alas, a territory meeting is going on at that moment! Our convention points are usually at major bus stops but when there’s pandemonium at the coven we usually take it out on commercial bus drivers who then start manifesting strangely by parking on the roads to pick and drop passengers. The quick sales made by the gala sprint sellers can be seen as a bright side too.

Earphones and other strings:

Have you ever neatly packed your phone ear piece but found it tangled when it was called for use? Yes, that was us working there! Of Course, we do so just because we can—and there nothing you can do about it.

Other miscellaneous annoyances:   

Once in a while, just for the fun of it we throw spanners at your wheels and its breaks down; of course, this is after several ignored signals from your vehicles. Question, why does most vehicle’s break downs happen just on the bridge? Well, that’s another of our cooling joint and our actions serve to put limits to over speeding motorists. Yes, I know you never thought of it in that light.

The next revelation is a thousand year mystery: where are all the pens? All things being equal and without remiss on our part you cannot use a pen for its natural lifetime. It is annoying— yes, but that’s just what we do to increase the sales for pen companies. Do you know they never return losses? Now, that’s a good investment ground for you.

***

Disclaimer:

We hereby absolve the Witches and Wizard Association of Nigeria (WITZAN) from all negative incidence and other corollary consequences resulting from peoples’ carelessness and insensitivity.

All efforts by some people to burn us have not and will not result to anything because most of the accusations are baseless.

Peace to all men.

Advertisements

Is your sleep being disturbed? You may be a victim of demonic oppression.

There are demonic agents that oppress people in their sleep and make it difficult for one to wake up from night…it is usually like a heavy load is placed on you…”- Murphy Jemba, BrillaFM  AOP

Untitled-2

I often explore possibilities of events and how our lives would have turned out had earlier events taken a different route. A key question I ponder: what are the contributions of the African Witches to the present economy? Nothing! Gossip, mischief? Yes!!

One of the knotty issues is the operations of the African witches. So many powers arrogated to them little evidence to corroborate their existence.

A curious trend is how jobless and mischievous these demonic agents are…indeed; some of the sobriquets of the devil—their master, are: He who has eyes but whines with the nose; He who owns clothes but adorned with tattered mud…chief of all, he who wraps a 100yards of cloth but finds it insufficient for covering. The forgoing reveals an economy of waste!

How do you explain a witch at the risk of being caught, flew all the way from his/her home only to come and sit on your head? Turns out a lot of people have something to say about it:

Testimony 1: My brother that thing is real o…Those people will just sit on your head and will not allow you to wake up. My pastor said, when witches are around they won’t let you open your eyes until they’ve gone.

Question: What is the economic (Spiritual) justification of a witch just sitting on your head? Are you saying these witches just left their home just to come have a sit-out on your head? How did you pastor come to the knowledge of their modus operandi?

Testimony 2: Hello Murphy! That thing happened to my guy in Lagos and even when he was posted for service to another state they followed him there too.

Question: Haba brother! So, witches are now so keen on your affairs they relocate with you? To what end?

Testimony 3: Murphy, if I tell you wetin witches do me ehn? One day they just sat on my head I couldn’t stand up to take a pee. The next morning, I met myself in a soaked bed.

Question: Since, when did bed wetting become a job prescription of the demons?

All the callers corroborated the oppression story but on a further reflection you see a nation of people silently suffering with mental health issues. A lady caller even alleged that her Teddy bear woke up in the mid of the night and attempted to rape her.

Why I have my questions about the operations of the demons – there existence or otherwise, these peoples’ testimonies left me with more questions about the state of their health.

So, this is a shout out to all the demons out there to take on more productive enterprise. I can’t imagine with all the tales about their prowess, they only use it to sit on peoples’ heads and make them bed-wet.

****

Please, share your experience with me. Have you been oppressed by witches or demons before? Do you believe in their existence?