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I tender these words

As a collateral for your heart

 

I tender to you, these words of mine

Take them, run with them as thine.

What NOT to buy Your Boss for Christmas

There are a lot of things to consider when shopping for Christmas most of them are not suitable for your boss as gifts.

I know despite my warnings about how to save your money this season, some of you cannot stand the forlorn looks darting your way like fiery arrows across the office. You feel pressed by the cavalier display of qualified affection thrown around by your colleagues towards your bosses.

You should know some people like anything you give them just because you gave it to them. Other people never like anything you give them and there’s nothing you can do about it – most bosses fall into the latter category.

1. So, what’s the most suitable gift to share with your bosses this Christmas? The honest answer is nothing; but, who wants honest answers when there’s enough to squander and go-a-borrowing in January?
2. But buying a greeting card is as wasteful as it is common. Your boss doesn’t fancy having a reminder of your-inept-self hanging around her home, what are you thinking? That’s a no-no.
3. So, you want to consider wine, gin or juice? There again is a wrong move! You risk communicating your intent of poisoning him without remorse. Moreover, he can come back to report food poisoning linked with your gift. Trust me; you don’t want your relationship to take this turn.
4. Oh, the good old necktie, scarf and muffler? While at it you should consider shoelaces, polish brushes and umbrella’s cases. Of course, you know you wanna cheap-out guess you know your boss knows value too? Pray, what makes you think your boss will need a necktie, was there an occasion in the year that he requested to use yours?
5. Let’s say you hit a big commission so you want to splurge your boss for the season. Grand pixel images of iPhone 6+, Zara brogue shoe, Prada bag, Rolex watch pan in and out of your mind, beware this will ultimately set you up for failure in the coming year. What do you think will be the impression of your colleagues who supported you to meet your target when you come to flaunt your gratitude and they can hardly afford token?
6. Books are the most giftable items at any season because we have more idiots around us than mere instructions can cure. But something makes your boss a boss in the first place. Yes, he has read more books than you or so he made your organization to believe. Your book gift will be useless to him, except you know he is a grand idiot –kindly go ahead and help this nation, click here.

7. 

   ‘Does this have anything to do with your Christmas bonus?’

   How about cash gifting? If I am in your organization and I happen to see you giving our departmental head a cash gift, I will blow the whistle on you! Transactional purpose of cash is to tendered in exchange for a service or goods. You don’t want us to start assuming things around here.

We have successfully eliminated unsuitable gifts for your boss and we are left with nothing! Are we?

You may consider vanity cufflinks, evangelical mugs that screams “Hell is real”, sewing thread, sleeping pills, dunlop slippers, mopping sticks, chopping  sticks, toothpicks, NTA subscription bouquet just about anything that reflects how he made you feel the year gone-by.

This is a reminder to live simple and conduct our affairs in stoic contemplation.

Four Skills I wish Women had but luckily they don’t

On Sunday, I noticed with some genuine concern that Livelytwist, aside writing well, does lookable original graphics for her blog and I registered my surprise.

While I don’t entirely deny my chauvinistic views they are mostly factual all the time. Well, that’s not a matter for today.

A riposte bounced off that comment asking for anything rare I could do—the classic case of “What can a man do…? While there are a million things a man can legally/illegally do that women can’t… in the spirit of egalitarianism, I would make a list of four skills I wish women could do but fortunately they can’t :)… men are just that awesome.

Graphics Designs

With the conversations women have with mascara and watercolour kit one would expect they should be natural graphics designers. Well, I do graphics, though at amateur level, than any woman I have met. The first time I met a woman that pretends to know anything about graphics was at a conference and she was responsible for the visual presentation of her group. I knew right away something was wrong with the men in that group. I discovered they all suffered from different shades of glaucoma. In all my doing, I have only met four women—one in Nigeria, three outside the country.

Female Drivers

Is it just me or there is a dearth of female professional drivers? One of the pastimes of traffic-held individual is to fantasize about variable possibilities of a better society. Recently, my best effort of daily-drive musing is to ask: why don’t we see any female driving any male in an arrangement that could be perceived as a Boss-driver relationship? I mean with all the perks of the male snoozing off in traffic at the owner’s corner? Why, don’t we see women sympathetic enough to feminism employing a female driver? Does this have anything to do with the fear for an increase in homicide rate, especially in the case of a female-female, Boss-driver relationship? Take it from me; females are poor managers of ego.

Parking lot Etiquette

I know this is a sexist opinion, but I hold it nonetheless: Women do not park as well as me-n. Sue me, take my license away or jam my seat belt, but it’s the truth. Tell me that women are smarter, nicer, and better-looking than men. Tell me they are compassionate, sensitive and intuitive… but don’t tell me they can park a car.

I was standing at the topmost floor of a plaza on Monday trying to look out for my car and who may be trying to block my going out. Soon, a woman drove into the lot and left her car with such a thoughtless abandon, something akin to this| / | the middle stroke representing the positioning of her car. Not up to five minutes later another woman pulled over beside our first culprit and we ended up with something like this: | \  / |. I am not here to judge but it is a matter of etiquette or lack of it.

Let’s concede some points though

Some little girls taught me how to ride a bike in the creeks of south-south 🙂 …but who needs such skills anyways? It is as good as a woman armed with haggling skill in a shopping mall.

 

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Another contribution to the #AtoZChallenge at @AprilA2Z

I am on Twitter: @SeeWilhelms

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That Charles is a Chauvinistic humorist is a stale news but you should know that his writings are fast requiring some 3-digit IQ censoring. If you cannot relate or agree to this post something is definitely wrong somewhere, but not here!