I’m tired of politicians’ pussy-footing delicately around the issue of corruption. Every time I log on to Twitter, there’s always some group of hippies protesting “against corruption” or “for democracy”. Each group pisses the other off, and no party will take a strong enough stance on the issue of governance, so I’ve decided to form a political party of my own.
I have a different stance on corruption: I’m against corruption, but for sharing of the money. That way everyone loses, and I laugh. I’m neither pro-masses, nor pro-government; I’m pro you-shutting-the-hell-up. The only way I’d be “pro-masses” is if it meant I could choose whose voices to be heard, and only then if I could place internet restriction in some states.
I was at Ikeja City Mall the other day to do some shopping when I came out; I saw headlines bleeding hate and envy about Stella Oduah. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw a newspaper begging this hard to be gagged.
Jealous, spineless men whining about a feat some woman just achieved. Really, the men should be ashamed of themselves and Nigerians soak themselves in ashes for this spiteful allegations and name calling of an innocent citizen. How much is #255 million naira by the way? Apparently, I haven’t seen such a prodigious amount of money in all my life, but does it matter if a woman spent it on Mary Kay or flying cars?
Why is it that some people are wary of other people’s successes? ASUU won’t call-off their damned strikes because they are envious of the pay pack of the legislators. Do these people have an idea the peril lawmakers face?
It is obvious we need a new party that can accommodate the threats to peaceful co-existence of all citizens and perpetuate the reign of a single class of loyal men.
Here is where I stand on other issues: Call it Party Manifestoes
- No Protests
Under my government, there will be no assembly, peaceful or otherwise. Why does everyone always sing the praises of civil disobedience? What good did it do for Gani Fawehinmi? He’s dead. What the hell is civil disobedience anyway? You can add the word “civil” to any crime and suddenly it has a positive connotation? What’s next, civil-rape or civil child abuse?
- Freedom of speech
Freedom of speech is guaranteed but not of thoughts and writings. Any ecclesiastical admission of erring thoughts shall be met with Inquisition. And, twitter celebrities with more than twelve followers would be incinerated—even, Lord Jesus didn’t need more than twelve disciples to achieve his mission on earth. It would be a crime to tweet at a serving minister or to ask questions of any commercial brand on twitter. And, that boy called Tolu Ogunlesi, shall be the Chief Public Defamer for our government.
- No More Police.
Police officers will be replaced with Inquisition Strike Force with the ability to tap into your phone conversations, spy on your Internet connection, arrest you for no reason or any reason at all, and interrogate you behind closed doors during secret hearings. It’ll be awesome, and if anyone complains, they will be labeled unpatriotic. The beauty of it is that people won’t protest because protesters will be victims of police brutality.
- MTN would be the Only Network
Nothing justifies the presence of multiple telephony networks in Nigeria. No, not even democracy or freedom of choice. We shall make MTN the only network and anybody who does not subscribe to monthly caller tunes or responds when requested, to send a dumb text to 3110 would be termed a traitor and executed by the guillotine. Meanwhile, we shall keep the business facilities of Airtel Nigeria at the museum as relics of how not to manage a business entity
- Double Standard Law
No man shall be allowed to own a dog and marry a woman at the same time, for whatever reason. Same goes for women keeping dogs as pets and desiring marriages with men. This is basically an abuse of scarce resources and would be righted when my party emerges victorious. Physiologically speaking, what a man can do a dog/bitch can do even better, and that’s true for both sexes.
Same goes for owning a doll or a play station; god knows how many man-hours could be saved from this ban, which could be invested in building concentration camps for Ibadan girls who are trying so hard to belong to this social culture called Nigeria.
That’s pretty much it. Oh yeah, I was going to write about how I was going to take away women’s right to vote or to be a minister, but that one is pretty obvious since nobody wants women to vote or lead, except for women, and they don’t count—well, not that much!