Tag Archives: corruption in Nigeria

Aso Rock Villa? Count Me out!

Two men in a fight of dirt
Two men in a fight of dirt

I am always pleased and surprised that anyone would take the job of being President of Nigeria. Of all the jobs in the world, it’s the one I’d least like to have. I know you get a to live in the Aso Rock villa for free, get an unconscionable allowance and salary, a private jet and a big staff but I still don’t want the job because it is a job with a job description!

It is always being a mystery to me why no one would want to be President of Nigeria. Anyone who’d accept to be President has to be some kind of nut who loves misery and criticism and posses a disproportionate wish to die.

For me, the perks of office are the reasons I would reject the job.

The Aso Rock Villa seems to be haunted by all accounts. Since creation Nigeria has lost more leaders or spouse of leaders to this singular location than any coup d’état has achieved. In retrospect, more Nigeria leaders have lost their loved ones while in office than any nation on earth. So, why would anyone [or their spouse] accepts to live there even for free?

The allowance and wealth are things to haunt you for the rest of your natural life. Alleged gulf oil money still stings the Babaginda administration 20 years down the line. You don’t even get the satisfaction of being envied upon disclosure of your financial worth or earning capacity, because you can’t. Nigeria President earns more than his American counterpart but heaven knows that’s so far an assumption.

The death wish comes with being told to fly in a presidential Jet. With the workings of our system and the Nigerian factor poking up at every turn and bend, I wonder how the President feels aboard the Presidential Jets. Does he kiss his wife goodbye at every flying opportunity he has? If I were a President, I would never be caught dead close to the Presidential Jets. Now, while no President has died as a result of a plane crash worst has happened under our watch. A minister of Justice has been killed under the watchful eyes of the police and no justice was ever dispensed.

Though some have claimed the president to be the most powerful in the land after God, the rate at which he is rendered powerless is astonishing. Generally, with the battery of aids, a president is expected to boarder less with the mundane things of life but national security and progress. However, the body of idiots at his bequest leaves more to be desired. We are not guaranteed they don’t dissuade the president from thinking at all. The way things work; these people are sworn to no oath and answerable to no one. Yet, they are the handlers of our nation.

The Femi Fani-Kayode’s recent character revelations give a pointer to the horrors President Obasanjo had to put up with during his tenure. If Jonathan’s administration harbors a likeminded fellow like FFK then disaster is close

One should be worried about keeping one’s sanity in and out of office as a president but I wonder if there are no people counselling the president against such thoughts. The president has a so many important decisions to make that he must spend more time than most of us acquiring the information with which to make them. His staffs prepare a news summary for him, but do they include the juicy item? If not when does he read all the good stuff that bare the soul of the nation to him.

The President should have a Villa Psychiatrist examine the mental state of all his advisers at every given opportunity. How do you even sleep at night knowing that your doing/undoing has cost someone his life in some distant village in North-Eastern Nigeria but some persons come to tell you the problem didn’t start with you?

Does the president not fear for his loss of focus when he prescribed the creation of nine more schools in a region with declared apathy for western education? If I were a President, I’d call my personal physician and say, “what’s wrong with me, anyhow?” If not for anything, for the sake of what the former occupants are going through in post-office realities, one should be on guard against sycophancy.

While one ex-President, who by all accounts should know better, played to the gallery in a matter of national progress the other President chose to dance to the ‘guillotine’ claiming the victim. While all he needs is charge forward in the discharge of his presidential duties.

There must be something about this job that makes those in office so clueless while those outside of government are bursting with ideas. Confusion comes for a feeble mind when those who were once in power die to have another taste.

Certainly, being the President of Nigeria is one of the hardest things to do or be.

For one, they beg you to become one but soon after everyone, including your godfather, are breathing down your neck ready to draw your blood.

The people are clueless about their own expectations from the leaders but by some stroke of chance would know it when it is done—how does one measure performance in this instance?

Some realities that lead to yesterday’s decisions suddenly vanishes today often demanding policy reversal—most times, it goes to show how confused one is even when one is fully aware.

Since we are in the era of letter writing: open and its numerous ripostes; permit me, to suggest a consideration for the other alphabets too, for with a simple alphabetical listing we could tackle the nation’s problems a letter at a time!

Looking for Corruption-free Nigeria? Me Neither.

I’m tired of politicians’ pussy-footing delicately around the issue of corruption. Every time I log on to Twitter, there’s always some group of hippies protesting “against corruption” or “for democracy”. Each group pisses the other off, and no party will take a strong enough stance on the issue of governance, so I’ve decided to form a political party of my own.

I have a different stance on corruption: I’m against corruption, but for sharing of the money. That way everyone loses, and I laugh. I’m neither pro-masses, nor pro-government; I’m pro you-shutting-the-hell-up. The only way I’d be “pro-masses” is if it meant I could choose whose voices to be heard, and only then if I could place internet restriction in some states.


I was at Ikeja City Mall the other day to do some shopping when I came out; I saw headlines bleeding hate and envy about Stella Oduah. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw a newspaper begging this hard to be gagged.

Jealous, spineless men whining about a feat some woman just achieved. Really, the men should be ashamed of themselves and Nigerians soak themselves in ashes for this spiteful allegations and name calling of an innocent citizen. How much is #255 million naira by the way? Apparently, I haven’t seen such a prodigious amount of money in all my life, but does it matter if a woman spent it on Mary Kay or flying cars?

Why is it that some people are wary of other people’s successes? ASUU won’t call-off their damned strikes because they are envious of the pay pack of the legislators. Do these people have an idea the peril lawmakers face?

It is obvious we need a new party that can accommodate the threats to peaceful co-existence of all citizens and perpetuate the reign of a single class of loyal men.

Here is where I stand on other issues: Call it Party Manifestoes

  • No Protests

    As  you can see
    As you can see

Under my government, there will be no assembly, peaceful or otherwise. Why does everyone always sing the praises of civil disobedience? What good did it do for Gani Fawehinmi? He’s dead. What the hell is civil disobedience anyway? You can add the word “civil” to any crime and suddenly it has a positive connotation? What’s next, civil-rape or civil child abuse?

  • Freedom of speech

Freedom of speech is guaranteed but not of thoughts and writings. Any ecclesiastical admission of erring thoughts shall be met with Inquisition. And, twitter celebrities with more than twelve followers would be incinerated—even, Lord Jesus didn’t need more than twelve disciples to achieve his mission on earth. It would be a crime to tweet at a serving minister or to ask questions of any commercial brand on twitter. And, that boy called Tolu Ogunlesi, shall be the Chief Public Defamer for our government.

  • No More Police.

police-fightPolice officers will be replaced with Inquisition Strike Force with the ability to tap into your phone conversations, spy on your Internet connection, arrest you for no reason or any reason at all, and interrogate you behind closed doors during secret hearings. It’ll be awesome, and if anyone complains, they will be labeled unpatriotic. The beauty of it is that people won’t protest because protesters will be victims of police brutality.

  • MTN would be the Only Network

    Well, they gave away flying ballonos
    Well, they gave away flying balloons

 Nothing justifies the presence of multiple telephony networks in Nigeria. No, not even democracy or freedom of choice. We shall make MTN the only network and anybody who does not subscribe to monthly caller tunes or responds when requested, to send a dumb text to 3110 would be termed a traitor and executed by the guillotine. Meanwhile, we shall keep the business facilities of Airtel Nigeria at the museum as relics of how not to manage a business entity


  • Double Standard Law

No man shall be allowed to own a dog and marry a woman at the same time, for whatever reason. Same goes for women keeping dogs as pets and desiring marriages with men. This is basically an abuse of scarce resources and would be righted when my party emerges victorious. Physiologically speaking, what a man can do a dog/bitch can do even better, and that’s true for both sexes.

Same goes for owning a doll or a play station; god knows how many man-hours could be saved from this ban, which could be invested in building concentration camps for Ibadan girls who are trying so hard to belong to this social culture called Nigeria.

That’s pretty much it. Oh yeah, I was going to write about how I was going to take away women’s right to vote or to be a minister, but that one is pretty obvious since nobody wants women to vote or lead, except for women, and they don’t count—well, not that much!