Tag Archives: Hilarious

Why Prayers don’t get answers in Nigeria

When Apostle James was highlighting reasons for unanswered prayers in his epistle hardly was Nigeria a consideration.

He said you asked and did not receive because you asked wrongly; albeit Nigerians are asking rightly and persistently yet nothing profits from our requests.

Like how, we prayer for God to erase corruption from our system; how we beseech him to kill all our present crop of leaders to no avail [forgetting that that are people’s fathers and with some exception mothers].

A Pentecostal pastor shared a nasty experience with me recently.

He had gone to pray for brother Tade who has been harassed [oppressed] nightly by demonic forces over time. The duo felt enough was enough, they decided to take charge. After fervent prayers into the wee hours of the morning they retired to sleep—the pastor on the couch, brother Tade the inner room.

“If you hear any sound or sign just shout blood of Jesus, I will start firing the demons from here” The pastor counselled.

Some few minutes later, a crashing sound alarmed the brethren.

Brother Tade came crashing into the arm of fire-shouting pastor in the dark.

He clearly had seen a figure coming into the room and felt the demon must have switched of the light so as to commence his oppression.

“I punch you with the blood of Jesus” Tade threw the first punch

“Fire! Fire!! Fire consume you evil spirit!” The pastor screamed under torturous blows

“Pastor, don’t fire anything, I will deal with this one today” Tade disagreed

“Holy-ghost, take over. The battle is the lord’s” The pastor screamed further but Tade was determined to exert his pound of flesh on his oppressor.

It took the intervening grace of NEPA’s restoration of power supply for the duo not to kill each other in the house.

That was a digression. The main reason our prayers don’t get answered here is that we engage our quota of ministering angels in other activities…

I will uphold you with my right hand says the lord
I will uphold you with my right hand says the lord

 

 

 

 

Let’s start from here. How many of such sights do you see on a daily basis? Now, you ask God to protect your properties while he is busy giving instructions on how to save this man’s plus others that might die as a result of this arrangement.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grace at work
Grace at work

 

 

 

It takes the abiding grace of God to achieve this effort. Seven people on a bike? Do you think God will be so careless to overlook these innocent souls and attend to your prayers? common, stop kidding me!

 

 

 

 

 

Angels on guard
Angels on guard

 

 

Christians need not bother praying at 6am or 6pm daily anymore. If you imagine the number of angels that are dispatched from heaven at these periods to attend to this scene you will marvel…That’s the hustling life of an average Lagosian.

 

 

 

 

 

Overloaded 5How about those who pray for protection against evil ones plotting to terminate their lives but who in actual fact are the enemies of themselves? Thankfully, God doesn’t grant all our requests because we are suicidal in deeds and wishes. How can you deliberately live in such structure and still pray against untimely deaths? 

 

 

Tell you what? Next time you wanna pray, take a trip down to Ghana or Syria and sure you’ll have the direct link to heaven… erm, that’s if naija hasn’t used up the other countries quota of angels.

The bundle of Joy –The devil is in the details

Children are the payback of marriages in many instances.

If marriages were businesses their break-even period is at most the first nine months—during which they spend all the money and gifts given to them at the ceremony—anything afterwards is pure shortage, especially, with the arrival of the bundle.

Children contrary to popular opinion are not such the cutie little dolls we think they are. For some they are no more like demonic agents sent to torment the souls of men, and of course women.

The Childcare Budget

In the first year alone?!!
In the first year alone?!!

To raise a child in today’s economy is so excruciating that you wonder why bother at all. A major disincentive for any conjugative relationship should be the sheer economy crush. The golden morn, pampers, clothing, medicals and laundry cost towers above the national minimum wage. Then, how many Nigerian fathers earn above the minimum wage?

A family friend, who earns #25,000 monthly, got so tight on finance to confront his six months old daughter to suppress her bowel movements. The little doll did and for three days the blood level of the mother was on the rise because no one knew what was wrong with the baby; until the father pleaded with the child to be gracious and release whatever was in her bowels. The child did, only this time, her father’s laps formed the WC.

Their cries

Why we dont't know
Why we dont’t know

We’ve all come to accept the noise of generators in our lives.

But how many have come to accept the noise of children. I haven’t. The cries of babes drive me to the cankers.

I have a friend, who has never lived with his parent since he was six-months.

His father had strolled in one day and declared Junior is old enough to have a junior, to the hearing of Junior, his mother and the mother-in-law, but Junior had other plans.

Every night when daddy creeps into bed with mother and they transferred baby-boy to the cot, Junior awakens and starts yelling. At that point nothing can pacify him until he his smothered in the reassuring bosom of his mother.

What are you people doing??
What are you people doing??

That was how that little creature sabotaged his father’s moves for several months until he was ceded to the grandmother for safe keep. Only a good father would forgive such a kill joy of a son.

My baby-sitting experience

Sometimes ago, a nursing mother left her baby in my care to run to the grocery. But for god knows why, the babe wouldn’t stop to cry. The pitch of his decibel was high enough to burst a close-by listener’s eardrum.

I tried my cutest smile to pacify the little demon; I read lines from my verse book and did a gangnam- style dance, but dude keep on yelling.

This bros don marra o!
This bros don marra o!

I resorted to my last antic, I carried it in my arms put up a very straight face stared for some long seconds and burst into a hysterical scream with a shit-face [the kind you use to behold your shit afterwards]. The baby quieted in a brief moment, hiccupped a few times and went completely rigid!

The babe never cried in my presence, again.

So, that’s how I became the silencer in my neighbourhood. Children don’t just cry in my presence.

Their Mischief

Children could be very vindictive too.

There’s a story of a child who never forgets a hurt—we all had our ways of getting even with those brutish brutes of siblings. He was born the baby of the house but the eldest child made a mistake of ‘correcting’ him with a slap one day. The dude promised to show him at night, but no one paid heed to his threats.

When night came, the dude was awake with a very fine cane and hid himself behind the door in the room they all shared.

When the first lash came on the elder brother, he let out a savage scream from his sleep.

‘Ye! Kini mo se?’  [ouch, What have I done?]

The household ran to his rescue but not before the second lash. The visible stripes left concern on the faces of their parents.

They offered prayers binding the devil and casting evil forces away. They sprinkle anointed oil on the stripes and everybody went to sleep minutes later.

And the demon ran to the bush...
And the demon ran to the bush…

But the dude wasn’t through with big brother, so he rose again and lashed out at him two more strokes.

This time, the mother became convinced the kingdom of hell has descended upon the household.

“Father, we bind all demonic oppression in this house, in Jesus name!!!”

The “Amen” thundered out more violently because no one knows who’s next.

“Let fire burn every evil hand whipping our child from his sleeps, In Jesus name!!!”

After two hours of night watch, the family agreed to sleep but victim refused. It took the presence of the parents in the room to reassure him to sleep.

About, thirty minutes later little Lucifer arose again went to the hiding place, waved his cane casually in the dark to ascertain no one is watching. He waited some few minute and sneaked out a bit and tried to land another stroke…

“If you dare it!”

He stopped dead in his track, and the light came on…

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And why do I tell you this tale? I believe you should count the cost of any venture before you enter into it. Parenting isn’t a bed of roses but knowing that kids are not always a bundle of joy gives, you heads-up on how to be prepared.

Kudos to all those who are raising children with all genuine sacrifices, shame on those populating the earth for all of your selfish reasons.

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So, What’s your parenting experience? What hilarious moments do you recall? Share with me.

A 1000 ways to die in the hands of a Woman—and how to avoid them as a Male

Women are Dangerous—Aristotle

Maybe, only a fool would believe Aristotle said that as well as other gibberish attributed to him on twitter.

There are a million ways to die a thousand of them comes strictly from women—remember to quote me, when using that!

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU TRY ANY OF THESE SUGGESTIONS YOU WILL SURELY DIE!!!

Announce the death of her Lover

In my village, many men have died as a result of this idiocy than from AIDS, Malaria and Tuberculosis combined. If the man is not suicidal how can you muster up courage to go tell a Yoruba woman that her husband just died? You know women are sardonic in mourning and could get theatrical and vain. Of course, she gets the message but not until you pay for all those late nights her husband used you as an excuse to stay out late. The expression of a Yoruba woman’s shock at such news usually takes the form of random slapping and pinching (you may be lucky, if she doesn’t have metal objects around her) of the harbinger of bad news.

If you don’t want to fall a victim of pretended hysteria keep off the coast of a dead man’s wife.

Booby trap is no military stratagem

Recent studies say more men now exit the world by this route than the Iraqi’s route in Western Europe. Back in the time of Napoleon,

Booby trap of today...
Booby trap of today…

booby-trap used to be a military strategy to mislead the enemy forces into a situation. This is now a potent tool in the kitten of some women, whereby, they place their bodily part called booby (ask your GF, what that is next time you see her) in the mouth of the victim (studies suggest, many men had become unconscious at this mere action and signed away their life’s savings in one fell swoop) and pin down the fleshly part of this tool to cover the nose of the victim causing immediate death in all reported cases.

If you ever get yourself into such mess, remember just a bite can save your life!  Investigators revealed that this part is particularly sensitive to teeth bites. Be warned!!!

Careful when flirting

A quicker way to die
A quicker way to die

Just as the He-goat cannot wash clean of its smell some men cannot keep off flirting. Some women have learnt in self-defense classes how to ward off harassment from workplaces. Careful, when you’re unto a woman and she suddenly compliments your tie, her intention may be to strangle you with it and let your soul quietly into hell. There are other sensitive places on your body you shouldn’t let your guard down on at any time.

Announce your break-up with her physically

What do you think of men who ran away from home or just disappeared on their lovers? Whatever you may think you don’t want to play Ludo game with your life. Being chivalrous profits little these days. If you wanna break with a lady; go to court, use a mail or any other non-physical contact method. You could even start behaving like a jackass, less calls, no texts, more excuses but no, heroic display. I did this with my last college girl. Took her out two day after my final exams and just cut the crab out… you know what I got? She stoned me with the phone I bought for her. I got a bump on my head for several months later!

You may not get that lucky; yours may be kitchen knife, if you were foolish enough to say such crab in a kitchen anyway.

 Arguing with her, when she says it’s OK

I met a woman that the greatest mistake anyone can make is to argue with her or fight with her. That’s one of my uncles’ wives. My uncle told me, the first day he mistakenly slapped her for being silly when guests were around, she forgave him only that the fight continued when he was deep asleep by midnight. By then, turning-stick, knife and other kitchen weaponry were there to do justice. Since then, he never argued talk more of fighting with her.

I will catch you at night
I will catch you at night

Some women are like that, my uncle survived the assault on him but you may not be that lucky!

 

You don’t want to tell her…

You don’t want to tell a lady you like her sister, friend or even mother…you risk food poisoning

You don’t want to tell her the address of your ex- and keep hyping about the ex- culinary skills…rather go buy a space on the obituary pages.

That your office is sending you and a female colleague to a conference…you may be brought down by an allergic reaction.

That your mother doesn’t approve of her…well, poor old woman may not live long to see you wedded.

That you won $ 1,000,000 and would like to holiday in Brazil without her…armed robbers may just visit that night.

That you have a legitimate child from another woman…as in, I don’t know what to tell you on this!

That you think her mother is witch…your own mother had better belong to a coven too, or else?!

Bonus: Bloody run…—Apostle Paul said it, my grandma confirms it!

There should be no better time to run, I repeat run viciously, than when a woman is pursuing you, either for sports, fun or fiery—just, bloody run!

Run, for dear life!
Run, for dear life!