Tag Archives: HIV Status

Juju, Life and People in Lagos City

Common with metropolitan cities are urban centres where a push usually turns to a shove [I like the sound of that pun]. Places where you can’t avoid bodily contacts.

Oshodi before 2009
Oshodi before 2009

You’ve got to discount Lagos from such a list if there’s one…

“Lagos is the only city in the world where, if your body brushes off another mistakenly they clutch onto their John Thomas before letting you out of sight—in other climes, folks take a tap at their purse.”

You can’t take the spirit of brotherliness from Lagosians. So, with the rife belief in the ability of a man to cart away another man’s JT by mere bodily contact in crowded places, the mob of urbanized centres in Lagos don’t tolerate any alleged or attempted attempt to deprive a man of such vital organ. They will come to the rescue.

A story is told of a man who, having seen the rallying around of victims of such claims and the procedural examination of such victims that includes a treat from willing ladies to ascertain “its” functionality, decided to cry a claim.

On that fateful day at Oshodi, not only did he ram violently into the arms of an innocent man he jerked him up by the trousers screaming…”Oti mo oko mi” [He has taken my manhood]. His victim was still writhing in pains when slaps flew in from all corners on him. He denied as expected and the examiners were called upon.

As they – “the victim” and the tester- made for a make shift-stall some gossips quipped:

“Why e bi say na only this HIV Ashawo dey test all these guys?” [Why do they engage this HIV positive call-girl every time?]

“Before nko? if na your own wares, you go sell quality for free?”

On hearing this conversation, “the victim” took to his heels screaming:

“Mi o se mo” [I am not interested anymore]. The accused watched on in dismay, grabbing unto his dislocated shoulder, as the mob made a chase for the liar.


Rendering Assistance? Do it with caution…

In Lagos, another thing you need not do aside from not giving directions is giving unsolicited assistance to people.

I was driving with a pastor friend on a Wednesday evening to Agege. And this litter of people were stranded at Pen-cinema. The pastor requested we gave some people a lift at the back of our Honda Pilot. As we pulled over the pastor popped out his head and asked:  who is going to Agege here… the whole bunch of them scampered out of sight chanting “blood of Jesus!”Blood of Jesus

I burst into a hard laughter at the sight but the pastor was so infuriated he got down with his giant study bible telling them he is a son of God too… In Delta, we say “dem no dey carry Juju worship juju!”

Going Somewhere? Go with GoogleMapTM

Here, I was given a dose of my own pill without any coating.

I was invited to a church sometimes ago and told to alight at a particular bus stop but as with the ways of Lagos bus drivers, he took another route and dropped me way of the mental course I had in my head. I needed to find my orientation—which way to the north or south. So, I approached an on-coming lady. Me: “Please, excuse me, excuse me …”

Lady: “I don’t know what this country is turning to… do you want to tell me you don’t have a job too? Sorry, I gave my last change to the other guy down the road”

google mapsI smiled. I don’t even condescend to hale beggars too.

Henceforth, I use good O’ GoogleMapTM which is by far a worthy companion on the streets of Lagos.




PS: This is the sequel of “Of Diabolical Powers And The Nigerian Mentality” which my dear friend, MPH made so popular [Thank you].


***Black magic [Juju] is a belief grounded in Nigerians, west of sub-Saharan Africa and this guides the conduct of everyday life of the African people with suspicion. Even with the advent of the ecclesiastical missions natives look for potent power of Jesus to counter household demons and wickedness. People have had testimonies to the miraculous power of Jesus Christ however, we can’t but notice some hilarious moments.

What do you think? Is Juju overemphasized in the country or too trivialized on this blog? Share your tale!


You Have The Rights to Surrender Your Balls!

I will go straight to the point; I am not going to treat you with some kind of kid-glove.

Some recent realities have necessitated my early retreat from a long furlough. The battle of the sexes has suffered some irreparable damage—no thanks to some pacifists trying to end a war that began long before they were conceived.

When Eve gave that apple to Adam what do you think was happening? Do you think Adam’s sense of responsibility went on a break? No! It was simply blackmail!

So, here goes the story, Pa Adam did some wrong [perceived on real, depending on her heat status], she sought the company of the sapient got deceived, then blackmailed Pa Adam to eating the apple as a term for reconciliation. And don’t go preachy on me. What does a man do following a lady up and down a garden? Doesn’t your bible say, “…and she gave it to her husband who was with her”?

Well you know the end of the story. The ground was cursed because of man, and we were made to till [I mean till, in the other senses] and sweat and some damned deodorants companies rip us off.

Now, if you are a man reading this, I assume you are proving true to every hair on your moustache… because if you happen to fall into the category of men that buy sanitary pads for some whore, in whatever name you brand her…  you have the rights to surrender your balls, fried and fed to Ogborigbo. [That’s Urhobo name for Iguana]

Come to think of it, what kind of sexual perversity would make a lady fantasize about a guy buying her pads or bra or lingerie? It is like your mother knowing your condom size as a guy.

Let’s face it, some things are and should be no-go-area between the sexes.

What's The Hitch?
What’s The Hitch?

Where Romance Stops

There are a lot of things one may do with a lady albeit not in loosening her hair. Heaven knows the Derica of dandruff some ladies’ heads shed per month.

You risk inhaling them as you loosen her hair. And, you will like to count me out of the game if this has anything to do with physical attraction.

Many times, i wonder how ladies lived with themselves. I mean you get to have that hitch sometimes, how do you cope?


The MP

There is so much I want to know about a lady like her Psychotic history and HIV status but not her monthly rounds. My ex- was a lady to the core. It took me months and a breakup to know MP is anything other than malaria Parasite. It was that rare visitor my grandma scared momma with back in the days!

But you as a guy have no business in knowing this business. By the time you share her monthly cramp circle, and it is noticeable in your work, my friend you need to seek help! Like the nearest transgender facility in your neighbourhood.

But, before then you may need to burn your mustache with a candle as a sign of being ashamed of who you are.


Do you see what I mean?
Do you see what I mean?

Contrary to logical expectation I do trust ladies with many things like a safe place to keep my socks, shoelaces and cuff-links; of course, even, my expired ATM cards. 😉 I am that awesome!

However, no matter the level of relations never trust your balls to a lady with long fingernails; same for you ladies, at least not to any man with an irregular dentition.


These are no go areas and for as long as day and night rule the earth we should abide by some modicum of privacy between the sexes.

Now, let the battle continue, and if you are not man, enough…tender your balls now and forever remain a Sisi.