Tag Archives: Lagos life

Juju, Life and People in Lagos City

Common with metropolitan cities are urban centres where a push usually turns to a shove [I like the sound of that pun]. Places where you can’t avoid bodily contacts.

Oshodi before 2009
Oshodi before 2009

You’ve got to discount Lagos from such a list if there’s one…

“Lagos is the only city in the world where, if your body brushes off another mistakenly they clutch onto their John Thomas before letting you out of sight—in other climes, folks take a tap at their purse.”

You can’t take the spirit of brotherliness from Lagosians. So, with the rife belief in the ability of a man to cart away another man’s JT by mere bodily contact in crowded places, the mob of urbanized centres in Lagos don’t tolerate any alleged or attempted attempt to deprive a man of such vital organ. They will come to the rescue.

A story is told of a man who, having seen the rallying around of victims of such claims and the procedural examination of such victims that includes a treat from willing ladies to ascertain “its” functionality, decided to cry a claim.

On that fateful day at Oshodi, not only did he ram violently into the arms of an innocent man he jerked him up by the trousers screaming…”Oti mo oko mi” [He has taken my manhood]. His victim was still writhing in pains when slaps flew in from all corners on him. He denied as expected and the examiners were called upon.

As they – “the victim” and the tester- made for a make shift-stall some gossips quipped:

“Why e bi say na only this HIV Ashawo dey test all these guys?” [Why do they engage this HIV positive call-girl every time?]

“Before nko? if na your own wares, you go sell quality for free?”

On hearing this conversation, “the victim” took to his heels screaming:

“Mi o se mo” [I am not interested anymore]. The accused watched on in dismay, grabbing unto his dislocated shoulder, as the mob made a chase for the liar.

 

Rendering Assistance? Do it with caution…

In Lagos, another thing you need not do aside from not giving directions is giving unsolicited assistance to people.

I was driving with a pastor friend on a Wednesday evening to Agege. And this litter of people were stranded at Pen-cinema. The pastor requested we gave some people a lift at the back of our Honda Pilot. As we pulled over the pastor popped out his head and asked:  who is going to Agege here… the whole bunch of them scampered out of sight chanting “blood of Jesus!”Blood of Jesus

I burst into a hard laughter at the sight but the pastor was so infuriated he got down with his giant study bible telling them he is a son of God too… In Delta, we say “dem no dey carry Juju worship juju!”

Going Somewhere? Go with GoogleMapTM

Here, I was given a dose of my own pill without any coating.

I was invited to a church sometimes ago and told to alight at a particular bus stop but as with the ways of Lagos bus drivers, he took another route and dropped me way of the mental course I had in my head. I needed to find my orientation—which way to the north or south. So, I approached an on-coming lady. Me: “Please, excuse me, excuse me …”

Lady: “I don’t know what this country is turning to… do you want to tell me you don’t have a job too? Sorry, I gave my last change to the other guy down the road”

google mapsI smiled. I don’t even condescend to hale beggars too.

Henceforth, I use good O’ GoogleMapTM which is by far a worthy companion on the streets of Lagos.

 

 

 

PS: This is the sequel of “Of Diabolical Powers And The Nigerian Mentality” which my dear friend, MPH made so popular [Thank you].

 

***Black magic [Juju] is a belief grounded in Nigerians, west of sub-Saharan Africa and this guides the conduct of everyday life of the African people with suspicion. Even with the advent of the ecclesiastical missions natives look for potent power of Jesus to counter household demons and wickedness. People have had testimonies to the miraculous power of Jesus Christ however, we can’t but notice some hilarious moments.

What do you think? Is Juju overemphasized in the country or too trivialized on this blog? Share your tale!

 

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The Demons of Dents and other Minor Scratches in Nigeria

Some Demons in Nigeria
Some Demons in Nigeria

The Greeks had a god for almost everything. Each one of their gods controlled one of the elements or some phase of life. Apollo was the god of poetry; Ares was the god of war; Posedion was god of the sea; Athena, the goddess of wisdom.

But unlike the Greeks, Nigerians have a demon for every misfortune. Household demons, those who follow you from your village to the city and ensure you never do well in life; Neighbourhood demons, those who take charge of your ill-luck in case your household demons are too busy in the villages; women demon, those who ensure all your savings go down the drain of some women’s loins etc

I don’t know whether the Greeks or the Nigerians had one or not, but there must be a god or a demon who controls dents and scratches that always shows up on new things. Where else would they come from? Who else but an all-powerful master of imperfections could possibly put all these little dents on all new cars in Lagos?

Last week I bought a new pair of shoes. Never mind how much they cost, I bought a new pair of shoes. On the second day I had them, I was climbing up on the stairs leading to my apartment, which is shared by my generator set, but somehow the generator decided for the first time in a year to demand for legroom only this time a part of it made a cut in the leather of my new shoe that looked as if it was done by a razor blade. I’ve put polish on the shoes several times since then, and the rip doesn’t show much, but I know it’s there and the shoes will never be new again. They lost their newness the second day.

I’ve not seen a new car that didn’t pick up some little scratch or dent in its first few weeks on Lagos roads. In fact, everyone seems to be reconciled to this around here. My uncle got KIA Sorento 2013 in July but by August we visited KIA centre for bodywork. It was so new there were no available parts at the warehouse. Looking around in traffic there seems to be a contracted denter in town who gives new cars a dent, scratch or bash no matter how careful one is.

It couldn’t have been more than three weeks after I got my new watch that the ding demon put a scratch in the crystal. Have you ever wondered how you manage to clash your watch with another’s on Broad Street? It’s not much, mind you; just enough to remind me that I no longer have a brand new watch.

Talking about clothes, the ding demons have so much aversion for mortals wearing white. As Nigerians are white loving people you can’t see these demons at their best anywhere else. Wear a white shirt on a given day and brave the odds of rain and mud-splash from vehicles. Or, if it were a party you went for, I can bet you would not return until you have spilled some palm-oil on your attire. My father had a ritual of dipping a finger in the soup and showing it to the cloth before having a taste of the meal. It works for him, but I hardly have time for such fetishes.

Another thing about these demons is their hatred for anything that makes us happy. I have owned several clothes but like a few really much. Those few somehow find a way of being caught in the bus seat, stained with engine oil or accidentally bleached. Recently, a bus conductor stained my new ash coloured trousers with his engine-oil-smeared-hands.

‘Oga no vex, the dry cleaners would make it as good as new.’ He said

But I knew, when the ding demon, dents and scratches gets through with something, it’s never as new again.

This is my ‘Stache!

Crudesomeness
Crudesomeness

So, the godmother of my blog and the person to whom this blog owes its gratitude is hosting this #WildNovember and I can’t pass the temptation not to participate.

The concept is simple.

“Post a picture rockin’ your No Shave November mustache, beard, or full-on facial fur on your blog…” in creating an awareness  “about a disease that can be hard for a lot of men to talk about.”

Prostate Cancer is a disease that needs to be more exposed in Nigeria, I have only heard about it in connection to deaths of notable figures like Gani Fawehinmi

But there is good news on the horizon according to Susie:

“This cancer is very common among men and very treatable. According to the American Cancer Society, there are over 2 million survivors. I have a couple of friends that are being treated for it right now. Like breast cancer, it is all about early detection.”

As much as I hate the pressure the beards put on me and the razor burns my tender face has suffered, I simply love not to shave and there is no better justification than now.

So, I decided to rock a few pictures of mine tagged: Crudely Cute taken after a particularly tiring day

Crudely Cute
Crudely Cute

 

These are my pictures feel free to Reblog and spread the awareness about this disease in Nigeria.

Meanwhile, you can donate the money you want to give me to get a shave to:

No Shave November at Cancer.org.