Tag Archives: Lagos Traffic

Dear Blogger: An Open Letter from Nigeria Witches

Dear Blogger,

It has been brought to the attention of the Witches and Wizards Association of Nigeria (WITZAN) insinuations about the economic viability of our operations. For the avoidance of doubts and to set the records straight this rejoinder is deemed necessary.

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Mr Blogger, you need to be careful of what you venture into and how you analyze things. Your blogpost called out the existence of the witches, our motives and even doubted our productivity; that greatly undermined our membership drive and we will like to state unequivocally there’s no better time to become a member of WITZAN than now. You don’t want to know how many members of the public are daily being conveyed to-and-fro their work via our flying network of UFOs. Yes, you read well. You don’t have fuel to power your cars yet your colleagues turn up at work daily and you didn’t bother to investigate them. And, what do we ask for in return? A few stopovers at some peoples’ heads to jingle over like a motor; what better deal can you get elsewhere?

While we vehemently reject the responsibility of making matrimonial-aged men bed wet we have core areas of interest that intertwines with everyone’s daily lives—and, that’s a blanket cover regardless of your fate or faith.

Let’s itemize active productive and economic viability of our operations:

Lagos Traffic:

If nothing else justifies our activities, the daily Lagos traffic does! For the information of the uninitiated, whenever you drive through the grind of Lagos traffic only to find there was no cause when you get to the front alas, a territory meeting is going on at that moment! Our convention points are usually at major bus stops but when there’s pandemonium at the coven we usually take it out on commercial bus drivers who then start manifesting strangely by parking on the roads to pick and drop passengers. The quick sales made by the gala sprint sellers can be seen as a bright side too.

Earphones and other strings:

Have you ever neatly packed your phone ear piece but found it tangled when it was called for use? Yes, that was us working there! Of Course, we do so just because we can—and there nothing you can do about it.

Other miscellaneous annoyances:   

Once in a while, just for the fun of it we throw spanners at your wheels and its breaks down; of course, this is after several ignored signals from your vehicles. Question, why does most vehicle’s break downs happen just on the bridge? Well, that’s another of our cooling joint and our actions serve to put limits to over speeding motorists. Yes, I know you never thought of it in that light.

The next revelation is a thousand year mystery: where are all the pens? All things being equal and without remiss on our part you cannot use a pen for its natural lifetime. It is annoying— yes, but that’s just what we do to increase the sales for pen companies. Do you know they never return losses? Now, that’s a good investment ground for you.

***

Disclaimer:

We hereby absolve the Witches and Wizard Association of Nigeria (WITZAN) from all negative incidence and other corollary consequences resulting from peoples’ carelessness and insensitivity.

All efforts by some people to burn us have not and will not result to anything because most of the accusations are baseless.

Peace to all men.

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A NOTE ON DEVELOPING NIGERIAN SPORTS

Kelechi-Iheanacho

Regardless of all mouthing of secession and ethnicity, you need no feeler to know that nothing unites Nigerians more than sports –football especially.

The president even suspended all pressing national matters to welcome the golden eaglets some nights ago, that’s how serious the game is to us.

We all like sports and we’re all agreed something’s wrong with the serial poor performances of our senior cadets at international callings. We want sports that put more emphasis on action and less on the money. We want sports to go back to the basics.

I have some suggestions about how to bring several professional sports back down to earth.

streetsFirst, our athletes are a disgrace to our collective national pride. In a nation filled with runners and sprinters I see no reason Kenyans should out-class in performance anywhere in the world. What do we do with the Gala sellers in Lagos traffic? Those boys break and set world records daily chasing buses for a fifty naira worth of sale. All we need to do is position a man at the finish line with a fifty naira note as the gun goes and watch in wonder as they would make us proud.

I know for certain, that those Ilaje kids along the Atlantic Ocean would do a better job in the water than the crop of Igbo boys we take to the Olympics.

Also, there could be better use of the Yorubas than admitting them into the basket league despite thrie stunted growth. Instead recruit Fulani boys, who have a pedigree of longer limbs than any other tribe and see how much success they would bring.

In boxing, Bola Tinubu should be made life president of the boxing federation as he has the way to lure his Lagos Agberos into the boxing cadets. These boys are wasting talents harassing bus conductors daily on Lagos roads and punching vehicles bodies into dents.

Next, we’ve got to make losing less profitable. The winner of National Sports Festival goes home with some cash as well as the second and third places. This is ridiculous. Giving cash to losers could make losing popular. The winner should get everything. Give the losers transport fare home. We all know Bash Ali will quit boxing immediately this policy becomes operational and many Igbo boys would rush into sports.

I’d insist that in professional football, the same player that starts a game should end it and any player on the bench for three consecutive games should find another calling. If football players are going to be paid all the money, they ought to have to work full-time, not half time.

Concerning fans and supporters, no citizen should be allowed to support any foreign club. In fact, certification from local club should be a criterion for employment. With such interest these fans will pour into local league we shall see immense turn around in our national league.