Tag Archives: Money

The bundle of Joy –The devil is in the details

Children are the payback of marriages in many instances.

If marriages were businesses their break-even period is at most the first nine months—during which they spend all the money and gifts given to them at the ceremony—anything afterwards is pure shortage, especially, with the arrival of the bundle.

Children contrary to popular opinion are not such the cutie little dolls we think they are. For some they are no more like demonic agents sent to torment the souls of men, and of course women.

The Childcare Budget

In the first year alone?!!
In the first year alone?!!

To raise a child in today’s economy is so excruciating that you wonder why bother at all. A major disincentive for any conjugative relationship should be the sheer economy crush. The golden morn, pampers, clothing, medicals and laundry cost towers above the national minimum wage. Then, how many Nigerian fathers earn above the minimum wage?

A family friend, who earns #25,000 monthly, got so tight on finance to confront his six months old daughter to suppress her bowel movements. The little doll did and for three days the blood level of the mother was on the rise because no one knew what was wrong with the baby; until the father pleaded with the child to be gracious and release whatever was in her bowels. The child did, only this time, her father’s laps formed the WC.

Their cries

Why we dont't know
Why we dont’t know

We’ve all come to accept the noise of generators in our lives.

But how many have come to accept the noise of children. I haven’t. The cries of babes drive me to the cankers.

I have a friend, who has never lived with his parent since he was six-months.

His father had strolled in one day and declared Junior is old enough to have a junior, to the hearing of Junior, his mother and the mother-in-law, but Junior had other plans.

Every night when daddy creeps into bed with mother and they transferred baby-boy to the cot, Junior awakens and starts yelling. At that point nothing can pacify him until he his smothered in the reassuring bosom of his mother.

What are you people doing??
What are you people doing??

That was how that little creature sabotaged his father’s moves for several months until he was ceded to the grandmother for safe keep. Only a good father would forgive such a kill joy of a son.

My baby-sitting experience

Sometimes ago, a nursing mother left her baby in my care to run to the grocery. But for god knows why, the babe wouldn’t stop to cry. The pitch of his decibel was high enough to burst a close-by listener’s eardrum.

I tried my cutest smile to pacify the little demon; I read lines from my verse book and did a gangnam- style dance, but dude keep on yelling.

This bros don marra o!
This bros don marra o!

I resorted to my last antic, I carried it in my arms put up a very straight face stared for some long seconds and burst into a hysterical scream with a shit-face [the kind you use to behold your shit afterwards]. The baby quieted in a brief moment, hiccupped a few times and went completely rigid!

The babe never cried in my presence, again.

So, that’s how I became the silencer in my neighbourhood. Children don’t just cry in my presence.

Their Mischief

Children could be very vindictive too.

There’s a story of a child who never forgets a hurt—we all had our ways of getting even with those brutish brutes of siblings. He was born the baby of the house but the eldest child made a mistake of ‘correcting’ him with a slap one day. The dude promised to show him at night, but no one paid heed to his threats.

When night came, the dude was awake with a very fine cane and hid himself behind the door in the room they all shared.

When the first lash came on the elder brother, he let out a savage scream from his sleep.

‘Ye! Kini mo se?’  [ouch, What have I done?]

The household ran to his rescue but not before the second lash. The visible stripes left concern on the faces of their parents.

They offered prayers binding the devil and casting evil forces away. They sprinkle anointed oil on the stripes and everybody went to sleep minutes later.

And the demon ran to the bush...
And the demon ran to the bush…

But the dude wasn’t through with big brother, so he rose again and lashed out at him two more strokes.

This time, the mother became convinced the kingdom of hell has descended upon the household.

“Father, we bind all demonic oppression in this house, in Jesus name!!!”

The “Amen” thundered out more violently because no one knows who’s next.

“Let fire burn every evil hand whipping our child from his sleeps, In Jesus name!!!”

After two hours of night watch, the family agreed to sleep but victim refused. It took the presence of the parents in the room to reassure him to sleep.

About, thirty minutes later little Lucifer arose again went to the hiding place, waved his cane casually in the dark to ascertain no one is watching. He waited some few minute and sneaked out a bit and tried to land another stroke…

“If you dare it!”

He stopped dead in his track, and the light came on…

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And why do I tell you this tale? I believe you should count the cost of any venture before you enter into it. Parenting isn’t a bed of roses but knowing that kids are not always a bundle of joy gives, you heads-up on how to be prepared.

Kudos to all those who are raising children with all genuine sacrifices, shame on those populating the earth for all of your selfish reasons.

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So, What’s your parenting experience? What hilarious moments do you recall? Share with me.

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10 ways to remain unmarried

These days I am amazed at the sheer number of marriage age ladies but who are still unmarried due to all faults of theirs.

It is high time that the Teacher of Men came to the rescue and save the day. Follow this list and land in a matrimony or unfollow and rot in an eternal singledom.

1.       NOT HAVING A TWITTER ACCOUNT

For all you care, it is believed that anyone who operates a twitter account has a level of sophistication. You’ll yourself a world of good if you get one quickly and follow me too.

I met a chic recently, and we got talking. When I told her I am a blogger. She goes “I don’t have a twister (sic) account; what are you blocking self?”

twitter

If Aphrodite were to strike me with her dagger a million times; I would rather die than fall in love with such crudity.

2.       BEING UNAWARES OF YOUR ENVIRONMENT

“How to be a Gentleman” teaches you false expectations of how his advance should be but men are by default not linear in manners; we think in curves and shapes. Ikeja City Mall

I saw a chic at Elephant Bus-stop, and wanted to break the ice with her. I asked, “Please, Where is Ikeja City Mall?” She gave a riposte, “You need new glasses!” I wondered out loud what qualifies her to reach such diagnosis when I only got the one am wearing a week earlier.

Well, she lost the opportunity to meet my charming self 🙂

So, pending when you get ringed learn about your environment and eagerly share description with any guy who cares to ask of you. He may just want to break the ice.

3.       LISTENING TO MUSIC ON TRANSIT

This habit keeps baffling me when I see beautiful unmarried ladies indulge in it. How can you be in such situation—it is a situation when you’re unmarried at 25 (if you must know, at least in Nigeria) and all you do is listen to some music or sermon while a dashing young dude sits next to you?Pinging in a bus

How in God’s name do you expect him to strike out a conversation, when your ears are plugged off? In Gods’ name you should be the one hindering the dude from plugging off his ears when the journey commences. Ask a question like “Is this bus going to stop at Allen bus-stop?” and see what magic will happen, he will rattle on until you get to your bus-stop and may even alight with you.

If you do this for 90 days, striking up conversations with random guys, you shall surely walk down the aisle in the next 90days! Do it, and thank me later.

4.       TICKING ‘IN A RELATIONSHIP’ STATUS ON FACEBOOK

In today’s reality some people change their relationship status faster than they change updates. Soon you’ll think something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong—everybody is technically doing likewise but something became wrong when you decided to announce yours online.love status

Don’t let the euphoria of the moment sweep you away when a Tom comes your way. Play safe and keep sane. This self-discounting effort reduces your chances of getting married.

At matrimonial age, chances are you have met, liked or commented on your future husband’s status by now; so, keep the atmosphere safe for his entry and don’t scare him away with crazy status updates and needless romances.

5.       NOT UNDERSTANDING ENOUGH GRAMMAR

When it comes to spoken English, we know ladies speak better grammar than guys. But it stops there, when it’s comprehension ladies are seriously wanting.

I was with my erstwhile girlfriend and she asked me, “What extent can you go for me?” “I will do anything for my woman” (don’t forget, man are not linear). She went berserk, “So, you will do anything for any whore out there but me?” I smiled; I hope you get the gist here?

6.       PINGING ON A DATE

It has been said, men are visual beasts, insecure, nonlinear etc. It thus beats my imagination that we go on a date with a lady and she starts pinging.dating

First, you whip up his insecurities. As you avoid eyes contacts he goes thinking you don’t find him attractive—that’s if he’s not a killing-handsome like yours truly! 🙂

Secondly, your hands are apparently covering the curvy balls about you and god help you, to be exposing your bald head as you bow to ping. That’s such a turn-off.

7.       NOT ATTENDING CHURCH/MOSQUE REGULARLY

It is eerie when a woman says she doesn’t go to church/mosque. It is economically not profiting because these are places you get to be in assumptive unions with all the perks of a relationship without any iota of commitment or guilt.

Pastors have made that possible. To increase your economy of scale, you need to make yourself visible at such places.

I was at a church, two Sundays ago as a guest. On the form for guests was a slot for status, I filled: unmarried and for god knows why, a single-sounding-lady has been keeping up with me with calls and sms. Now, here’s how it works, I might visit again just to see her!

For whatever reasons, testimonies abound of people getting married without having a dime—kobo as the case maybe. Though, I still wonder how they keep such marriages.

Of course, I reserve the right to make the list 10 or 7 but if you have any habit that’s sure to keep one unmarried please share with us. I need three more, shoot!!

A 1000 ways to die in the hands of a Woman—and how to avoid them as a Male

Women are Dangerous—Aristotle

Maybe, only a fool would believe Aristotle said that as well as other gibberish attributed to him on twitter.

There are a million ways to die a thousand of them comes strictly from women—remember to quote me, when using that!

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU TRY ANY OF THESE SUGGESTIONS YOU WILL SURELY DIE!!!

Announce the death of her Lover

In my village, many men have died as a result of this idiocy than from AIDS, Malaria and Tuberculosis combined. If the man is not suicidal how can you muster up courage to go tell a Yoruba woman that her husband just died? You know women are sardonic in mourning and could get theatrical and vain. Of course, she gets the message but not until you pay for all those late nights her husband used you as an excuse to stay out late. The expression of a Yoruba woman’s shock at such news usually takes the form of random slapping and pinching (you may be lucky, if she doesn’t have metal objects around her) of the harbinger of bad news.

If you don’t want to fall a victim of pretended hysteria keep off the coast of a dead man’s wife.

Booby trap is no military stratagem

Recent studies say more men now exit the world by this route than the Iraqi’s route in Western Europe. Back in the time of Napoleon,

Booby trap of today...
Booby trap of today…

booby-trap used to be a military strategy to mislead the enemy forces into a situation. This is now a potent tool in the kitten of some women, whereby, they place their bodily part called booby (ask your GF, what that is next time you see her) in the mouth of the victim (studies suggest, many men had become unconscious at this mere action and signed away their life’s savings in one fell swoop) and pin down the fleshly part of this tool to cover the nose of the victim causing immediate death in all reported cases.

If you ever get yourself into such mess, remember just a bite can save your life!  Investigators revealed that this part is particularly sensitive to teeth bites. Be warned!!!

Careful when flirting

A quicker way to die
A quicker way to die

Just as the He-goat cannot wash clean of its smell some men cannot keep off flirting. Some women have learnt in self-defense classes how to ward off harassment from workplaces. Careful, when you’re unto a woman and she suddenly compliments your tie, her intention may be to strangle you with it and let your soul quietly into hell. There are other sensitive places on your body you shouldn’t let your guard down on at any time.

Announce your break-up with her physically

What do you think of men who ran away from home or just disappeared on their lovers? Whatever you may think you don’t want to play Ludo game with your life. Being chivalrous profits little these days. If you wanna break with a lady; go to court, use a mail or any other non-physical contact method. You could even start behaving like a jackass, less calls, no texts, more excuses but no, heroic display. I did this with my last college girl. Took her out two day after my final exams and just cut the crab out… you know what I got? She stoned me with the phone I bought for her. I got a bump on my head for several months later!

You may not get that lucky; yours may be kitchen knife, if you were foolish enough to say such crab in a kitchen anyway.

 Arguing with her, when she says it’s OK

I met a woman that the greatest mistake anyone can make is to argue with her or fight with her. That’s one of my uncles’ wives. My uncle told me, the first day he mistakenly slapped her for being silly when guests were around, she forgave him only that the fight continued when he was deep asleep by midnight. By then, turning-stick, knife and other kitchen weaponry were there to do justice. Since then, he never argued talk more of fighting with her.

I will catch you at night
I will catch you at night

Some women are like that, my uncle survived the assault on him but you may not be that lucky!

 

You don’t want to tell her…

You don’t want to tell a lady you like her sister, friend or even mother…you risk food poisoning

You don’t want to tell her the address of your ex- and keep hyping about the ex- culinary skills…rather go buy a space on the obituary pages.

That your office is sending you and a female colleague to a conference…you may be brought down by an allergic reaction.

That your mother doesn’t approve of her…well, poor old woman may not live long to see you wedded.

That you won $ 1,000,000 and would like to holiday in Brazil without her…armed robbers may just visit that night.

That you have a legitimate child from another woman…as in, I don’t know what to tell you on this!

That you think her mother is witch…your own mother had better belong to a coven too, or else?!

Bonus: Bloody run…—Apostle Paul said it, my grandma confirms it!

There should be no better time to run, I repeat run viciously, than when a woman is pursuing you, either for sports, fun or fiery—just, bloody run!

Run, for dear life!
Run, for dear life!