Looking for Corruption-free Nigeria? Me Neither.

I’m tired of politicians’ pussy-footing delicately around the issue of corruption. Every time I log on to Twitter, there’s always some group of hippies protesting “against corruption” or “for democracy”. Each group pisses the other off, and no party will take a strong enough stance on the issue of governance, so I’ve decided to form a political party of my own.

I have a different stance on corruption: I’m against corruption, but for sharing of the money. That way everyone loses, and I laugh. I’m neither pro-masses, nor pro-government; I’m pro you-shutting-the-hell-up. The only way I’d be “pro-masses” is if it meant I could choose whose voices to be heard, and only then if I could place internet restriction in some states.

Princess-Stella-Oduah

I was at Ikeja City Mall the other day to do some shopping when I came out; I saw headlines bleeding hate and envy about Stella Oduah. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw a newspaper begging this hard to be gagged.

Jealous, spineless men whining about a feat some woman just achieved. Really, the men should be ashamed of themselves and Nigerians soak themselves in ashes for this spiteful allegations and name calling of an innocent citizen. How much is #255 million naira by the way? Apparently, I haven’t seen such a prodigious amount of money in all my life, but does it matter if a woman spent it on Mary Kay or flying cars?

Why is it that some people are wary of other people’s successes? ASUU won’t call-off their damned strikes because they are envious of the pay pack of the legislators. Do these people have an idea the peril lawmakers face?

It is obvious we need a new party that can accommodate the threats to peaceful co-existence of all citizens and perpetuate the reign of a single class of loyal men.

Here is where I stand on other issues: Call it Party Manifestoes

• No Protests

  

  As you can see

Under my government, there will be no assembly, peaceful or otherwise. Why does everyone always sing the praises of civil disobedience? What good did it do for Gani Fawehinmi? He’s dead. What the hell is civil disobedience anyway? You can add the word “civil” to any crime and suddenly it has a positive connotation? What’s next, civil-rape or civil child abuse?

• Freedom of speech

Freedom of speech is guaranteed but not of thoughts and writings. Any ecclesiastical admission of erring thoughts shall be met with Inquisition. And, twitter celebrities with more than twelve followers would be incinerated—even, Lord Jesus didn’t need more than twelve disciples to achieve his mission on earth. It would be a crime to tweet at a serving minister or to ask questions of any commercial brand on twitter. And, that boy called Tolu Ogunlesi, shall be the Chief Public Defamer for our government.

• No More Police.

Police officers will be replaced with Inquisition Strike Force with the ability to tap into your phone conversations, spy on your Internet connection, arrest you for no reason or any reason at all, and interrogate you behind closed doors during secret hearings. It’ll be awesome, and if anyone complains, they will be labeled unpatriotic. The beauty of it is that people won’t protest because protesters will be victims of police brutality.

• MTN would be the Only Network

  

  Well, they gave away flying balloons

 Nothing justifies the presence of multiple telephony networks in Nigeria. No, not even democracy or freedom of choice. We shall make MTN the only network and anybody who does not subscribe to monthly caller tunes or responds when requested, to send a dumb text to 3110 would be termed a traitor and executed by the guillotine. Meanwhile, we shall keep the business facilities of Airtel Nigeria at the museum as relics of how not to manage a business entity

 

• Double Standard Law

No man shall be allowed to own a dog and marry a woman at the same time, for whatever reason. Same goes for women keeping dogs as pets and desiring marriages with men. This is basically an abuse of scarce resources and would be righted when my party emerges victorious. Physiologically speaking, what a man can do a dog/bitch can do even better, and that’s true for both sexes.

Same goes for owning a doll or a play station; god knows how many man-hours could be saved from this ban, which could be invested in building concentration camps for Ibadan girls who are trying so hard to belong to this social culture called Nigeria.

That’s pretty much it. Oh yeah, I was going to write about how I was going to take away women’s right to vote or to be a minister, but that one is pretty obvious since nobody wants women to vote or lead, except for women, and they don’t count—well, not that much!

Peace!

Brotha-in-arms

Papa lied, after all?

When a kid tells a lie

We are quick to spot it with a spank

But the fartings of our elders are coloured lavender

When a maiden giggles at a stranger at a stream

Community tags her as becoming unseemly

But the men stoke their loins in broad day sensation

When a king breaks the air in court

We search ourselves with questionings

Our senses must be contrived with carnal expectations

But the king is equally carnal too

As it is with a slave on the windmill

So is it with the blueblood on the treadmill

A finger in the anus can only reek of a foul smell

***A commentary about the recent comment made by Chinua Achebe on the Biafran war***

Chinua Achebe got it all wrong…

They all disappoint, don’t they? Something about the demi-gods we cast in muddy velvets is that they all seek a bath in a raging windstorm. Who else falls foul of this more than the merchants of words, who trade in the matrixes of alphabets? Sometimes they hit at the core of our longings and we are quick to elevate them to the class of gods; most times, they melt away like an ice on a furnace—when we least expected.

As a birthday gift, Chinua Achebe, (Author, Things Fall Apart) sauntered into the consciousness of the Nigerian audience with a piece of article: The genocidal Biafran war still haunts Nigeria—commenting on a grey part of Nigerian history.

I, frankly, acknowledge the rights of the renowned author to contribute personal opinions to any national discourse but I also aver that there should be public responsibility in commenting on historical events. Mr Achebe in a twist of irony decided to publish his long await memoirs of the Biafran war, which Chimamanda Adiche says lacks personal flavour and reddened with speculations.

‘In writing about the major events, Achebe often recounts what he was told rather than what he felt and the reader is left with a nagging dissatisfaction, as though things are being left unsaid’

I took time to read the article and found so many inconsistencies and deliberate distortion of history. Mr Achebe randomly apportioned blames where there is none and gave causes as effects and effects as causes. He tries to foist on history certain titivation, forgetting that history has a hue called memory and no matter how we try to deface it, facts always prevail.

Mr Achebe would have the world know that there was a conspiracy to exterminate the Igbo race. He categorically called it genocide. He queried, “who set up the republic of Biafra in 1967-through punitive policies, the most notorious being starvation as a legitimate weapon of war.” He ungracefully accused Chief Obafemi Awolowo and the Yorubas as conspirators in the agenda to exterminate the people. As if there were no Yoruba heroes and casualties of the war

Firstly, in the chronology of the Biafran debacle, the Igbo were the aggressors; they cast the first shot to disrupt the nascent republic of just six years due to petty ambitions. Instead of being grateful for not being held responsible for the state of the nation today, an alien Achebe now cries foul with wanton untruths.

Secondly, it was never explicitly stated as a state policy, a mission to exterminate the Igbos. However, the world over, we know it is a cardinal crime to attempt a secession out of a federation. It is thus, unfair and irresponsible for anyone to imply, even, remotely that it was an agenda pursued, least of all, our own Chinua Achebe. He also wants to know why were there 100,000 casualty on the Nigerian side compared to the Biafran’s 2,000,000 victims. As peevish as this is the simple answer is that a rag-tag army cannot successful outsmart an organised force that dates back to colonial era.

Thirdly, he has a problem with a policy of the war era believed to have come from the then Federal Commissioner of Finance, Chief Obafemi Awolowo, ‘All is fair in war…’ the phrase is Shakespearean’s and the profundity of its truth ripples around the world. A question: Do you expect Biafra to be at war with Nigeria and still be fed fat? All is fair in war and love; this, has been true for ages!

Fourthly, without any bias, Awolowo may have personal ambitions but his actions as perceived by Mr Achebe are not representative of the Yoruba race. I had fantasied and got disappointed about Awolowo, as with Wole Soyinka and now Mr Achebe. But to say: ‘Awolowo was driven by an overriding ambition for power, for himself and for his Yoruba people… saw the dominant Igbos at the time as the obstacles to that goal, and when the opportunity arose his ambition drove him into a frenzy to go to every length to achieve his dreams’ is the most unwholesome comment any person could make about another person and his race. This impression of Mr Achebe is grossly speculative and erroneous, it is not becoming for a senior citizen.