Tag Archives: witches

Dear Blogger: An Open Letter from Nigeria Witches

Dear Blogger,

It has been brought to the attention of the Witches and Wizards Association of Nigeria (WITZAN) insinuations about the economic viability of our operations. For the avoidance of doubts and to set the records straight this rejoinder is deemed necessary.

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Mr Blogger, you need to be careful of what you venture into and how you analyze things. Your blogpost called out the existence of the witches, our motives and even doubted our productivity; that greatly undermined our membership drive and we will like to state unequivocally there’s no better time to become a member of WITZAN than now. You don’t want to know how many members of the public are daily being conveyed to-and-fro their work via our flying network of UFOs. Yes, you read well. You don’t have fuel to power your cars yet your colleagues turn up at work daily and you didn’t bother to investigate them. And, what do we ask for in return? A few stopovers at some peoples’ heads to jingle over like a motor; what better deal can you get elsewhere?

While we vehemently reject the responsibility of making matrimonial-aged men bed wet we have core areas of interest that intertwines with everyone’s daily lives—and, that’s a blanket cover regardless of your fate or faith.

Let’s itemize active productive and economic viability of our operations:

Lagos Traffic:

If nothing else justifies our activities, the daily Lagos traffic does! For the information of the uninitiated, whenever you drive through the grind of Lagos traffic only to find there was no cause when you get to the front alas, a territory meeting is going on at that moment! Our convention points are usually at major bus stops but when there’s pandemonium at the coven we usually take it out on commercial bus drivers who then start manifesting strangely by parking on the roads to pick and drop passengers. The quick sales made by the gala sprint sellers can be seen as a bright side too.

Earphones and other strings:

Have you ever neatly packed your phone ear piece but found it tangled when it was called for use? Yes, that was us working there! Of Course, we do so just because we can—and there nothing you can do about it.

Other miscellaneous annoyances:   

Once in a while, just for the fun of it we throw spanners at your wheels and its breaks down; of course, this is after several ignored signals from your vehicles. Question, why does most vehicle’s break downs happen just on the bridge? Well, that’s another of our cooling joint and our actions serve to put limits to over speeding motorists. Yes, I know you never thought of it in that light.

The next revelation is a thousand year mystery: where are all the pens? All things being equal and without remiss on our part you cannot use a pen for its natural lifetime. It is annoying— yes, but that’s just what we do to increase the sales for pen companies. Do you know they never return losses? Now, that’s a good investment ground for you.

***

Disclaimer:

We hereby absolve the Witches and Wizard Association of Nigeria (WITZAN) from all negative incidence and other corollary consequences resulting from peoples’ carelessness and insensitivity.

All efforts by some people to burn us have not and will not result to anything because most of the accusations are baseless.

Peace to all men.

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Back on the Road

The next morning, after the morning cry and rituals of a Christian family house, we were dispatched with a veteran to assist us get transportation to our various PPAs. In no time, everyone but I, had been settled. Orogun, we hailed to taxis but none had heard that name before.

Just when I was thinking of a sincere mistake from the NYSC officials and a possible reposting, we met a bike man who claimed to know the place but wouldn’t ply the route.

“ Na only, Oronigbe dey blow that way nah” he broke out in pidgin

“Oronigbe?” Is that a transport company, I asked in relief.

“Sho! See Kopa o, Company? Oronigbe na the errand boi of dem witches. Shey, uno understand?” He jibed in Warri accent

“Blood of J-e-s-u-s!” my guide spurted. Which made me smirked.

“I ‘o take you go, Aghofure Junction now, Na there the coven boy go come carry you go Orogun so, shey u dey feel me kopa?”

“Are you sure you wanna do this, with all this coven talks and witches” Veteran asked me

“Come off it, I heeded the clarion call remember?” I actually felt pity for his spiritual soul, which gets sensitive to every murmuring fool  than for my desolate soul.

After forty-five minutes at the Aghofure Junction, the errand boy of the coven arrived.

“Orogun, my ride!!!”

“How much?” I asked without much ado. But, he seems to be taken aback by my comment

“Kopa, you wan go Orogun so?”

Yes, that’s my Place of Primary Assignment

We had ridden on a tarred road for about thirty minutes when my butts hurt so badly. I complained, but Oronigbe rode on. “This place na no stop area, the witches here don chop craze tey, tey”

Moments later, I saw a pool of water ahead. I was thankful, that something would finally make me dismount and stretch my limbs but that proved to be a lie. As we got closer to the wall of water, Oronigbe rode through without flinching, splashing water here and there. But, at the other side, there was not a drop of water on us. I remembered my epistemology lecturer, Dr. A.G.A Bello, silly me, just a mirage!

The Coven boy was laughing hysterically as we rode on. A flight of bees buzzed afar towards us. I was scared shit. I braced myself for the worst. Oronigbe flipped on the headlamp, a blaze of fire flew off the lamp and engulfed humming nuisance.

We were at the middle of nowhere, our way to Orogun seemed endless. But, I cared little if we perished or lived. Knowing, the errand boy of the coven was up to the task.