The boys and I are lurking at Oronigbe Junction observing how some rookies do their runs. They are making jest of them, but I am thinking how to make a point to the boys.
Virginia appears like an answer to prayers. Her piercing smile tears through the darkness around, her cheap rubber braids sparkle like a nested crown upon her head. Her frame sashays nonchalantly along the hilly paths.
I warm up to her. ‘Excuse me’
She looks back, but stuttering holds my tongue in check, and she turns to leave.
‘Erm, I think we have met before’
‘Yes, I think so’
On our way going she explains how she hasn’t met me.
‘I am not that kind of girl who talks to strangers loafing around at nights, I only want to save the embarrassment among your friends’
‘Who looks like that kind of guy anyway?’
She looks at me for the first time. I am wearing Lux underwear, black spotted boxers and a pair of bathroom slippers.
I giggle at her innocence observing her flowery bridal gown all the while.
We get to a bicycle resting on a tree. She mounts and laughs at a silly thing I must have said.
‘What did your father tell you about talking to men at nights?’
I look back to see an elderly woman supported by a walking stick.
‘That’s my grandmother. We can met at the first place you met me, if we have really met before’
The smile on my face spread like jam on a loaf of bread.
‘But, mama he is just a boy’
‘Who is asking your opinion in this matter’ the elder woman scolds
Both women mount the bicycle and ride away.
Like a dream, I met the dreams of my nights and beyond.
I will go straight to the point; I am not going to treat you with some kind of kid-glove.
Some recent realities have necessitated my early retreat from a long furlough. The battle of the sexes has suffered some irreparable damage—no thanks to some pacifists trying to end a war that began long before they were conceived.
When Eve gave that apple to Adam what do you think was happening? Do you think Adam’s sense of responsibility went on a break? No! It was simply blackmail!
So, here goes the story, Pa Adam did some wrong [perceived on real, depending on her heat status], she sought the company of the sapient got deceived, then blackmailed Pa Adam to eating the apple as a term for reconciliation. And don’t go preachy on me. What does a man do following a lady up and down a garden? Doesn’t your bible say, “…and she gave it to her husband who was with her”?
Well you know the end of the story. The ground was cursed because of man, and we were made to till [I mean till, in the other senses] and sweat and some damned deodorants companies rip us off.
Now, if you are a man reading this, I assume you are proving true to every hair on your moustache… because if you happen to fall into the category of men that buy sanitary pads for some whore, in whatever name you brand her… you have the rights to surrender your balls, fried and fed to Ogborigbo. [That’s Urhobo name for Iguana]
Let’s face it, some things are and should be no-go-area between the sexes.
Where Romance Stops
There are a lot of things one may do with a lady albeit not in loosening her hair. Heaven knows the Derica of dandruff some ladies’ heads shed per month.
You risk inhaling them as you loosen her hair. And, you will like to count me out of the game if this has anything to do with physical attraction.
Many times, i wonder how ladies lived with themselves. I mean you get to have that hitch sometimes, how do you cope?
There is so much I want to know about a lady like her Psychotic history and HIV status but not her monthly rounds. My ex- was a lady to the core. It took me months and a breakup to know MP is anything other than malaria Parasite. It was that rare visitor my grandma scared momma with back in the days!
But you as a guy have no business in knowing this business. By the time you share her monthly cramp circle, and it is noticeable in your work, my friend you need to seek help! Like the nearest transgender facility in your neighbourhood.
But, before then you may need to burn your mustache with a candle as a sign of being ashamed of who you are.
Contrary to logical expectation I do trust ladies with many things like a safe place to keep my socks, shoelaces and cuff-links; of course, even, my expired ATM cards. 😉 I am that awesome!
However, no matter the level of relations never trust your balls to a lady with long fingernails; same for you ladies, at least not to any man with an irregular dentition.
These are no go areas and for as long as day and night rule the earth we should abide by some modicum of privacy between the sexes.
Now, let the battle continue, and if you are not man, enough…tender your balls now and forever remain a Sisi.