Tag Archives: women

You Have The Rights to Surrender Your Balls!

I will go straight to the point; I am not going to treat you with some kind of kid-glove.

Some recent realities have necessitated my early retreat from a long furlough. The battle of the sexes has suffered some irreparable damage—no thanks to some pacifists trying to end a war that began long before they were conceived.

When Eve gave that apple to Adam what do you think was happening? Do you think Adam’s sense of responsibility went on a break? No! It was simply blackmail!

So, here goes the story, Pa Adam did some wrong [perceived on real, depending on her heat status], she sought the company of the sapient got deceived, then blackmailed Pa Adam to eating the apple as a term for reconciliation. And don’t go preachy on me. What does a man do following a lady up and down a garden? Doesn’t your bible say, “…and she gave it to her husband who was with her”?

Well you know the end of the story. The ground was cursed because of man, and we were made to till [I mean till, in the other senses] and sweat and some damned deodorants companies rip us off.

Now, if you are a man reading this, I assume you are proving true to every hair on your moustache… because if you happen to fall into the category of men that buy sanitary pads for some whore, in whatever name you brand her…  you have the rights to surrender your balls, fried and fed to Ogborigbo. [That’s Urhobo name for Iguana]

Come to think of it, what kind of sexual perversity would make a lady fantasize about a guy buying her pads or bra or lingerie? It is like your mother knowing your condom size as a guy.

Let’s face it, some things are and should be no-go-area between the sexes.

What's The Hitch?
What’s The Hitch?

Where Romance Stops

There are a lot of things one may do with a lady albeit not in loosening her hair. Heaven knows the Derica of dandruff some ladies’ heads shed per month.

You risk inhaling them as you loosen her hair. And, you will like to count me out of the game if this has anything to do with physical attraction.

Many times, i wonder how ladies lived with themselves. I mean you get to have that hitch sometimes, how do you cope?

 

The MP

There is so much I want to know about a lady like her Psychotic history and HIV status but not her monthly rounds. My ex- was a lady to the core. It took me months and a breakup to know MP is anything other than malaria Parasite. It was that rare visitor my grandma scared momma with back in the days!

But you as a guy have no business in knowing this business. By the time you share her monthly cramp circle, and it is noticeable in your work, my friend you need to seek help! Like the nearest transgender facility in your neighbourhood.

But, before then you may need to burn your mustache with a candle as a sign of being ashamed of who you are.

Trust

Do you see what I mean?
Do you see what I mean?

Contrary to logical expectation I do trust ladies with many things like a safe place to keep my socks, shoelaces and cuff-links; of course, even, my expired ATM cards. 😉 I am that awesome!

However, no matter the level of relations never trust your balls to a lady with long fingernails; same for you ladies, at least not to any man with an irregular dentition.

******

These are no go areas and for as long as day and night rule the earth we should abide by some modicum of privacy between the sexes.

Now, let the battle continue, and if you are not man, enough…tender your balls now and forever remain a Sisi.

 

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Getting to know your man

Over time, I’ve seen ladies surreptitiously converged at magazine stands, in grocery stores, checking titles that give insights to the behavioural patterns of a male Homo-sapiens. Although, I have told you over times, buying such books and magazines only heightens the level of your frustrations [men are aware of your expectations, from such sources, and play along perfectly; until such a time that they impulsively show their true colours]; I have another genuine way of putting these species of human to test and bringing out the very nature of them. Here are the some simple, homemade techniques to learn more about a man’s psychological leanings.

A test for aggressiveness

Dude is a Gentleman though.
Dude is a Gentleman though.

Most ladies are worried about the level of aggression their men possess. Unfortunately, many can’t tell until they push him to the wall, but only a few has lived to tell a tale.

Here’s my simple recommendation from our everyday life.

Buy your man a loaf of bread. No, not a confectionery bread but Agege bread and watch how he unties its wrapper.

Basically, an aggressive man will tear out the nylon and get to the business of the day. But a more tolerant man will find a way to untie it and keep the nylon for future use. This is a typical subconscious behaviour that no man can manipulate. Whatever your man is, knowing this fact will help you in behaving rightly according to his mood.

If You’re Abstaining and in a Relationship

Kissing the life out of her
Kissing the life out of her

If you know what’s good for you—you should be abstaining really. But a basic point of conflict is, in knowing the sexual compatibility of the would-be partners.

This is another, a simple recommendation from ordinary things of life.

I know, when men take their ladies out, they like buying expensive and extraordinary things for her and for themselves, which they would not buy usually.

One of such things they don’t buy is the sachet water [a.k.a Pure Water]. Get your boyfriend to jog a few miles and suggest he buys pure water instead of bottled water.

Be attentive to how he handles the sachet. For some reason, men liken this product to a certain part of the female body and may violently squeeze the content depending on the fantasies they have built around you. An orange fruit can serve the same purpose too.

A Test for the fear of God

Secret Service kinda
Secret Service kinda

This is another grey area women want to know about men and it mostly, prove difficult given some men’s penchant for being dramatic. A Dude was pestering my little sister sometimes ago and I had to request him being invited to, the house for chitchat.

‘By the way, what is your denomination?’ ‘The Salvation army sir’

‘That’s great. Are u a member of the lord’s army yet?’

‘Thank you sir, I am a member of the lord’s army’

‘Wow, that’s great! What unit do you serve in; a friend is an usher in that church too?’

‘Well, I serve in the secret service sir!’

Without being told my sister knew it was a no-no for a secret servant of god.

-This may be continued or not. It has been on my draft for some days, and I feel it’s time to come out, feel free to add any tip missed out. Have a great life. ________________________________________________________________

Serious guys, this is short I know, but it will suffice to say Happy New Month.